It's the end of another crappy year. (insert applause track here)
I'd like to say or even think that next year will be better, but I know this is a falsehood; the best years of my life are behind me and I'm OK with that. I've readjusted my life goals to reflect this and now my 'Bucket List'*1 looks something like this:
1) Maybe lose some weight or something
2) Maybe work on my movie script or something
3) Read some books and stuff
4) Conquer a really tiny village with the understanding I may have to pause midway through the carnage to catch my breath
5) Own a classic Mopar
6) Be left to my own devices as much as possible so that my slow descent into madness is only recorded by my own hand.
7) Become a recluse, preferably in a mountain fortress.
8) Shoot someone in the face
9) Die and stuff. Hopefully in a non embarrassing manner.
"If you believe it, the mind can achieve it."
-Ronnie Lott, guru
"Or just set the bar really, really low."
-StripperHerder, guru
So think of this installment as sort of a year end roundup, of sorts. I have no idea if I'll put another post up before 2014 is upon us but I'm leaning toward 'probably not'. Therefore I'll see what I can cover about things that have made me angry this year, butcher a couple more Xmas carols and pass out in a puddle of my own gut-chutney.
So let's kick this mule in the ass shall we?
Facebook Fucktards
I hate Facebook. Taken as a communication tool, like a glorified instant messenger, it's pretty handy. But God almighty the things people post....My life has improved since I disabled nearly every one of my FB friends' feeds, as has my opinion of them. Don't get me wrong, I've most certainly posted stupid, whiny drunk shit on FB before and felt like an ass the next day, but at least I didn't post an idiotic meme 30 minutes later saying 'Don't judge me', or 'If you don't like my opinions, don't comment on them' or some such nonsense.
You've posted them in what amounts to a public forum. Sure, you were able to pick who comprised this 'Public', but still if you're going to post self questioning shit online, expect some people to comment and stop posting memes requesting the contrary of what you actually crave.
-Likers: "I like everything. I must click the like button on every product/band/movie/artist/book/TV show/celebrity I like so people will know what I like and like, they might friend me because we both like the same fluffy bullshit."
Why would you 'like' Ford or Cheetos? Seriously, why? I'm not saying either one of them is a bad product, but why would you invite a company to spam your social media feed, your friends' feeds and open yourself up to more 'suggestions' about other crap you might enjoy as well? Do you really need to be notified when Frito Lay unleashes another flavored horror on the market? Do you need Facebook to tell you that maybe it's time for a new car and maybe the Ford Fusion is it? Can't make those determinations for yourself?
We as a society are advertised to constantly, everywhere; all the time and there's no escaping it except maybe on the side of a mountain somewhere fighting off grizzly bears, but even then there may be a strategically place ad for bowie knives or Smith and Wesson 500's. You'd think that when given the choice to reduce the ads you're exposed to, the average person would take it. But it seems the average person will frequently opt for more.
It's maddening.
-Parents: Yay, you reproduced! Without any license, training or shame! Another mouth on the planet to consume dwindling resources, hoo-rah! Now, flood the internet with thousands of pictures of your offspring because people want, nay, need to see it in all kinds of different outfits and with different expressions on its face. You can be safe in the knowledge that there's no one on the planet who could possibly get tired of the cuteness that is your baby, which is so completely different and inexplicably more special than all the other amazingly similar babies on Earth.
I for one was so happy when FB raised the number of pics you could post at a time from 3 to 12 so I can enjoy more pics of your infant sleeping, smiling, smearing food on its face or tottering around poking stuff. So refreshing.
Thank you for your fertility.
Debate Hobbyists: Arguments on FB are meaningless. They're like two people shouting thing at each other simultaneously, everything is being said and nothing heard. No one's stance on any major issue has ever been changed through the dynamic crucible of Facebook or any other social media outlet. It's bored people stating their opinion on something and they'll never be talked out of it. The debate just serves as entertainment but ultimately serves no other purpose.
And if that's what you're into that's fine. I envy you your enjoyment. Who says propaganda and static positions can't be fun?
Inspirationalists: Nothing changes people's lives for 30 seconds or less like a nice inspirational quote. Uplifting, encouraging tidbits of wisdom someone else said that touched your soul like an attractive pervert. There's always that person posting 20 of these a day, buckshotting the interwebs with cyber-wisdom in easily digestible bits for everyone's embetterment.
Things like this:
Or how about this gem, which if actually attributable to Anthony Hopkins means he must be a giant asshole.
It absolutely IS your business. So how you treat people and how you talk and interact with them doesn't matter? Because those things are critical as to how other humans' opinions of you are formed and thus what they will think and say of you.
Therefore this is either a statement of towering indifference and arrogance, or something uttered by an idiot who hadn't thought the quote through. Think about it.
I would imagine that many of the people reading this would claim that they also don't care what other people think of them, and I ask them to really think about that sentiment. If you really didn't care whatsoever what people thought of you, you wouldn't modulate your speech, opinions, observations or prejudices one single bit. Yet we all do. Every last one of us filters to some degree our output to other skin bags.
Some us more than others...
Humans intrinsically want to be liked. We're social animals. I'd be lying if I said, despite all my bluster, that I don't care what people think about me. I do care. I would prefer to be liked. As such I strive to strain my communication with the outer world through the sieve of reason before I spew it out. I'm certainly not overtly successful at it, but it says volumes of me that I am at least partially able to pull it off.*2
If I'm not liked I'm not unduly bothered by that, yet most times it was not what I was aiming at.*3
That's what I hate about the inspirational quotes, a lot of them can be pulled apart if you just apply some plausible meaning to them outside the quote's intent.
AANNNNDDD you know I'm getting pretty buzzed if I just wrote the above sentence.
AANNNNDDD I just realized I called a whole bunch of people I like, in spite of Facebook, 'fucktards'.
Nothing personal. It turns out blocking your feed made me like you again, who knew?
I'm getting alarmed because I got all carried away with the social media hatred thing and didn't even start on the StripperHerder Christmas Carols yet.
I had such big plans...
Here's what ended up being a non sequitur due to my unstructured style. Some fucking memes I made for reasons I forget outside of satire.
All right, enough about that. It's time for some Christ-Mass cheer, you motherless pack of frothing hyenas. Let me attempt to fulfill the second part of this blog-ligation.
I'll be right back....
See, that didn't take any time at all.
Rhanndi the Coke Nosed Stripper
You know Precious, and Divine, and
Platinum and Vixen,
Ashley, and Lexi, and
Candy, Affliction
But do you recall
The Most Famous stripper of all?
Rhanndi the coke nosed stripper
Had a very runny nose
And if you ever saw her
You'd call her a drugged out Ho
All of the other strippers
Used to laugh and steal her stash
Until she learned to hide it
In her runny, scabby snatch
Then one foggy weekday night
A dude showed up with cash
"Rhanndi with your nose so red
won't you give me some cheap head"
And then all the hookers beat her
Pierced her skull with their spike heels
They left her corpse on a highway
To be squashed by semi wheels
Fuck it. It's getting too hard to do. "Frosty the Snowman" defeated me. Enjoy what you get.
Merry Risen Dead Jewish Guy's Berfday Celebrated In Conjunction With Ancient Pagan Traditions For Some Reason,
-The StripperHerder
*1 I hate the term Bucket List, but it's easy to type.
*2 Considering the horrible, unspeakable and downright crapitudal things I think about people every waking moment of my life.
*3 Sometimes I aim to be hated. I certainly don't try to be likable with 100% of the people I meet because some of them are pieces of shit.
