I really hate to slam a whole 'generation' of Americans, but to start this post off, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Some website I can't be bothered to acknowledge defines a Millennial as a person born between 1981-1996, with folks being born from 1997 and on known as 'Post Millennials'. Don't get me started on Post Millennials because I'll never stop. Weakest, dumbest, rudest generation of Americans EVER.
It's not all their fault, they're young and young people by definition are stupid. I was stupid when I was young and I'd bet a fair amount of my readers would admit to being a shithead back in the day as well.
I'm forced to work with a few of these cheerful yet mentally deficient humans nowadays. Management has decided to give them a chance despite their chronological handicap and I gotta say, it's been working out really well.
I guess my biggest gripe about these kids is that they 100% lack any sort of initiative whatsoever. They're perfectly capable of doing simple tasks without much supervision if you tell them to do it, but expecting them to take it upon themselves to do something that needs doing is setting yourself up for disappointment.
Now lest you all think I'm just being a grumpy old prick, I'll cite you a few examples in one of my famous......anyone?..........
Yep, you guessed it, list.
Dayshift Floor Guy: Day shifts are a whole different world from most night shifts. For one thing the entire non-dancer staff at the club consists of only 6 people: Manager, Bartender, Doorgirl, Cook, DJ and Floor Guy. Most of our dayshifts don't even have a waitress.
Therefore how the floor area of the club looks is completely up to the Floor Mook on duty. Bussing tables, straightening shit up, keeping things looking nice and orderly etc etc.
YET, every single shift I work where I come in early evening, I have to run around and fix all the tables and chairs, throw away all the empty beer bottles just sitting on tables and bring all the derelict glassware to the bar and plates to the kitchen, all the while thinking to myself, why the fuck hasn't the day shift cunt done all this? And not only that, but how many times do you have to watch some other person doing all the stuff you were supposed to do before it dawns on you that all of said stuff should've been done already. By YOU.
Every day I come into work where the Day guy is Little Ricky Miracle Whip, I am immediately met with a barrage of OPW, or Other People's Work, which seems to be a defining characteristic of my service industry career
This shouldn't need to be something an employee has to be told to do unless that employee is a fucking spoiled 12 year old. There shouldn't be empty beer bottles and glasses all over tables. There shouldn't be shit on the floor. The tables and chairs should be goddamn tidy, not all cattywumpus and willy nilly.
It is absolutely NOT rocket science, but it might as well be.
Finally this past shift I came to the painful realization that Little Ricky wasn't ever going to grasp the concept unless I told him, so today I fucking well told him. "This shit falls with the purview of your job description, young man and I grow ever so weary of doing it for you every shift I take over from you. You're like a wolf cub that refuses to learn how to hunt for yourself because The Pack has always done it for you. Quit doing your best Leave It To Beaver impression and pick some shit up every now and then."
We'll see if this has any effect on the problem and I'll be sure to keep you all posted.
Can't do math Motherfuckers: This is not a single person, but a variety of people from various walks of strip club life that have to occasionally cover a Doorgirl's shift but aren't accustomed to doing that job. The most recent conundrum I've have to square off against in this arena is one particular Millennial who either never learned or has forgotten 2nd grade math. This person had an inordinate amount of problems determining if people are 21 or not, even when handed a card which had the person's birthdate on it.
Now call me old fashioned, but subtracting a two digit number from a four digit number is something I learned when I was maybe 6 or 7 years of age and to my credit, I've never forgotten how to do it. You could give me any four digit number you cared to name and ask me to subtract any other two digit number from it and I'll be able to tell you the correct answer within 5-10 seconds. Slightly more if I'm drunk.
Why? Because it isn't very difficult at all and we all (supposedly) learn basic math from a very young age.
But not tonight's Mystery DoorPerson. The whole '21' or not thing just stumped the living fuck out of them. After the third time they requested assistance from me, I literally wrote them a flash card that looked like this:
2019
- 21
=1998 So if someone is born BEFORE today's date in 1998, they can come in.
If they were born AFTER today's date in 1998, they CANNOT come in!
SCIENCE!
They failed to see the humor in it, but totally picked up on the scorn. Perfect.
Waytrezzes: Not all of the waitresses I work with are Millennials. We have a couple of seasoned servers to anchor an otherwise fairly ineffective team of pre-25 year old idiots who aren't very good at their jobs. Being a strip club waitress is not a hard job by any means. A server job in a high end restaurant, by comparison, is far more demanding than a cocktail bringer in a titty bar.
That being said there is a sliding scale of difficulty depending on how busy we are. If we're slammed, a lot can be forgiven because of the chaos. However in a NOT VERY BUSY club, here is a Sublist of shit I should never have to do if we have more than one waitress on staff:
A) Have to locate a fucking server to do her job. If we literally have 3 tables and 3 Waitresses on staff, I should never have to alert a drink mule that there is a new table, or have to hunt one down to deliver this news. Yet I do it all the time. There is social media to be checked, baby pics to be looked at and makeup to be discussed, fuck those customers who they rely on to make a living.
B) Having to pick up any empty glasses or bottles from a table. NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION ON A NIGHT SHIFT. But I do a fuck of a lot of it anyways because I hate working in a trashy looking environment. Empty tables full of abandoned drink vessels look TRASHY and I fucking won't stand for it.
At previous clubs I've worked at the Wait staff tipped the Floor staff for helping them, or guiding them to a worthwhile VIP room. The young twats working here haven't the slightest idea what any of that is all about. We could put them in a champagne room with a whale who tipped ludicrous amounts of money and we'd never see a dime in thanks. I could clear every single finished drink sold by any waitress working on a shift, every last one of them and I might get thanked but certainly wouldn't get tipped.
Garbage: See any on the floor? Pick it the fuck up, you lazy, infantile twat. There's no excuse for any employee outside of a stripper NOT picking up any stray paper garbage on the floor, yet I watch my fellow employees walk over such crap all night, every single shift. Waitresses, Floor Guys, Barbacks, whatever. Step over and around the detritus, it's beneath you to keep the club you work in clean. Some other fuckhead can do that....
Well call me Mr. Fuckhead then because if I walked into a pricey club with random garbage lying all over the floor, I'm not staying. This tells me the employees here don't give a fuck about their jobs and subsequently, aren't gonna care about me in the slightest either.
What the hell ever happened to pride in your job? Even if you're ashamed of your occupation, which I am, it should never be beneath your dignity to do some trivial upkeep of your work environs. I've mentioned in a couple of previous posts that if it weren't for me cleaning the front of the club, then the door would be buried in a six foot drift of cigarette butts, wing bones, shattered Hennessy bottles and maybe a dead stripper or two.
We've actually made bets as to how long it would take one of our dedicated, goal-driven waitresses to pick up a various empty bottle or dirty plate. I think something like 5 hours is the current record. Pretty much a whole shift.
It's all about initiative, young people. If something needs to be done, just fucking DO it. You shouldn't have to be told to do it, it should just get done. There's no reward or praise for doing it, trust me on this, your actions will be taken for granted and no one will tell you 'good job then, who's a good boy?'
But you shouldn't need that. Yes, it's nice to hear that someone acknowledges and appreciates your work ethic, you doing something the past thirty employees have failed to do, but don't expect it. You do it because that's what a good employee does. Set yourself apart from the others.
Some day, in some industry, someone who can make a real difference in your life will notice your extra effort and you may even benefit from it. Doubtful, but better to feel good about your own work ethic than to suck like the average knuckle-dragging, hate-souled service industry employee.
To sum up this millennial tirade, let me offer the following advice to the following folks:
-Millennials: Get the fuck out of the service industry while you're young and have lots of options. Go to school, earn a degree or acquire a trade. Even if you're just waiting for your parents to die so you can inherit their money, get out of the hospitality sector as soon as possible because it will almost certainly ruin your life and make you hate things that should be fun.
-Management: Communication is your greatest asset. If you're having a problem with an employee you can't expect them to change their behavior unless they are aware there's a problem. Passively aggressively fucking around with their schedules or treating them like shit for reasons they haven't been made clear to them is both counter productive and idiotic. Figure it out, it ain't that difficult.
-Customers: Eat a dick. I hate you all.
In other news, things have taken a fighty turn of late. Been lots of fisticuffs and related ghetto nonsense. So far in 2019, I've been involved in more frakases and donnybrooks that in the past 4 years combined. In over twenty years of doing this stupid job, I've only had to injure people maybe a half dozen times, every other occasion has been containment, deterrent or dispersal.
But I've rendered dudes unconscious more than once this year already. Fucking out like smack-harpooned strippers. Never had to do this before and while I'm not ashamed, I'm not proud either. Real life isn't like the movies where you club someone over the head with something heavy and they conveniently just go to sleep. In the real world skulls get fractured, choked out people have strokes or don't start breathing on their own again, and knocked out people sometimes don't wake up again. Ever.
It's a manslaughter charge waiting to happen, especially in today's litigation obsessed society.
I'm struggling with my desire to get out of the industry versus my craving to not be homeless again. It's a tough conflict....
In closing I'd like to say fuck your pictures with amusing captions, I just don't have it in me right now.
So I'm going to publish this not-as-funny-as-it-should-be post for the simple fact that I need to post something new, to feel a tiny sense of accomplishment in an otherwise unsatisfying life.
Tune in next time where I cover more of Dr Mosser's incredible insights into Strip Club Biospheres.
It's gonna be like totally awesome or something.
Too Old To Be Heavy,
-The StripperHerder
