Pages

RaptorCare™ "Don't Worry, We're Sure It'll Work This Time And As A Token Of Good Faith We'll Supply The Baby." OR Shut The Fuck Up, Bitch.

 Ladies and gentlemen, parents everywhere,




  RaptorCare™ Incorporated would like to apologize for the incident yesterday at one of our facilities in the Midwest.*1

 

   Events like these, while unfortunate, are extremely rare and isolated. Independent studies*2 have proven that your children are safer in our care facilities than even in your own home or in a public school.







                              "What is that?"
                                        "I don't know. I have very poor object recognition skills."
                                        "Well take a guess it could be dangerous!"
                                        "Fine. Its a spatula."
                                        "Does it pose a potential hazard to children at play?"
                                        "If they're running around blindly, then yes."
                                        "Then its got to go."
                                        "I fucking hate humans."

 

 



  Our patented NIRP™*3 System is so effective that our raptors care for your children like they were little raptors growing up in the family clan. The connections made by the NIRPing of our client children encourages IPSS*4 in the adults, thereby ensuring their safety even in a pedophile rich environment.


                                                This pervert didn't stand a chance.










                                      ****************************








   The catastrophic attempt at satire you were subjected to above was my attempt to poke fun at companies that make it Standard Operating Procedure to hire back psychopathic former employees that have been "fired" numerous times. Fired for small things like attacking other entertainers, attacking customers and attacking other staff.

  The entertainer in question I'll refer to as "Linebacker McCrazybitch". This bitch is legendary in this town. She's worked everywhere and she's assaulted other humans at every place she's worked at. She's wrecked cars, punched bitches and destroyed whole star systems. She's like Darth Vader with giant fake titties, no class whatsoever and a violent ghetto outlook on life.

  Depending on which stories you believe, she's been fired from our highly sophisticated organization between 3 and 5 times. But hey, no worries. I'm sure this time will be different. A tiger can change its thong, right?



                         *************************




  Yet another stripper fight last night. Its kinda sad that with the amount of time I've been at this new place that I've had to break up something like 9 dancer trial-by-combats and not a single fight between customers. It just goes to show what classy, upstanding gals we have in our dedicated and determined workforce.

  One of my new favorites, who I'll call Weavey Fitzcunt, operates like this:

  She'll approach a customer and sit on his lap and ask him if he's ready for a dance. If he says yes or doesn't say no then she dances for him. If he refuses then she motherfucks him and tells him what a piece of shit he is and sometimes, when she's feeling especially frisky, throws a drink on him.

  She tells him she'll get him kicked out of the club and when the customer expresses disbelief at being treated like this she says "I bin hear fo years and dey aint't gunna fyre me fo nuttin!"

  Which is sadly true. If the crazy bitch hasn't been fired yet, nothing short of stuffing bombs in cats' assholes and throwing them at customers is gonna do it.

  The bottom line is that if you are a dancer at our respectable club, its almost impossible to get fired.


                                                  YAY!




 So there it is. Another installment. This one started when I was drinking and finished sober.

  What's the world coming to when a high functioning alcoholic starts doing stuff sober?


-Mr. Herder

 










                     



*1Although its pretty clear the children in question made some poor decisions, such as running, our legal department has advised us to 'evince grief and demonstrate clear regret'.

*2Funded by us.


*3Neutral Infant Raptor Pheromones


*4Instinctual Predator Suppression System