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2019 Is Here And With It A New List Of Pet Peeves And Gripes. Or, Fuck Your Birthday, Worthless Stranger.



  Ah the service/hospitality industry, the perfect system for transforming a mostly reasonable and somewhat happy person in a raging, misanthropic cunt in the shortest possible time frame. You can be the nicest, most generous person around, but give it three months trying to endlessly please and placate wasted twats and soon you will be the type of person who'd gladly strangle another human if you thought you could get away with it, or no longer care if you can't.


  There are large amounts of humans staggering around the planet who need to be garrotted and dumped someplace isolated and dank. Sometimes it just takes a scant few months in this job sector to fully appreciate that fact.


  That being said, I am one of those ruined by my occupation. I know that I used to be more fun to hang out with before I started back in this surreal fuckfest of a 'career'. I'm sure of this fact but try to blame it all on advancing years rather than the unstoppable erosion of my will to be around other people that this industry has bred in me.


  So, sticking with this theme, here is a list of my favorite current anger triggers*1. Longtime readers will recognize and probably be fond of some of these, but there are new ones due to the fact that humanity keeps evolving new ways to be annoying.




1) "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" All I said to you was 'Hi, how you doing tonight?' when you came through the club door and this was your reply. It's your fucking birthday. Lemme try to squeeze out a nugget of shit-care about that. Although I grunt and strain, sweating with rectal exertion, I can't manage even a raisin sized crap-lump of concern over the anniversary of you ruining your Mother's Va-Jay-Jay.


  I don't know you. I don't care at all about you, your well being or any circumstance whatsoever about your life, and yet you greet me with with an irrelevant fact regarding a meaningless milestone in your existence.


  Hoorah. You're one day older than yesterday. Good for you and congratulations.


  Now go fuck yourself.



2) "I seen the new Avengers movie."


  No you didn't. You saw it. It drives me yakshit when people either say or type that they seen something. It's saw, motherfucker, say it. You fucking well saw something, not seen it. What the fuck went wrong with your third grade education that you can't comprehend the difference? Seen is past tense or used in a query. Get it straight, lackwit.


  I am happy to accept people using this word incorrectly and will support their right to do so as long as they support my right to refer to them as 'shitheads' and 'morons'.



3) I greeted you or bid you goodnight and you ignored me, you impolite dangle of goat scrotum.


  When someone acknowledges your presence with a salutation of any sort, have the common human decency to fucking reply, even if it's just a grunt, a wave or a nod of the head. To ignore someone outright is a strong indicator that you're a worthless, poorly reared dickhole.



4) Phone Fucks. People completely immersed in the internet via their smartphones who occasionally surface to deal with the pesky real world before they return their scrunched up faces to their phones, much to their relief.


  Let me give you a couple of prime examples.


A) I was recently at a New Years Eve party. I was mostly hanging out in the basement where it was cool, uncrowded and all the pinball machines were located. I had been avoiding going upstairs because it was crowded, hot as hell from the kitchen and loud.


  At one point however, shortly after 2 AM, I ventured upstairs to raid the food again. As I looked into the living room, all I saw was five people lounging on various furniture, raptly staring at their phones while The Doors played vaguely in the background. Five people, in the same room, but all in their own world.


  Sad as fuck.



B) As mentioned frequently before, I work in a strip club. A titty bar. An establishment where attractive women gyrate around on stages in various states of undress.


  But even here, and in great numbers, humans will be immersed in their digital world while naked mams sway and bounce before them, where asses are twerked and poles are climbed in nothing but thongs for the entertainment of anyone who happens to look. Yet still there are lap-watchers, faces lit by screenglow in the meager illumination of a properly dim Gentlemen's Club, rapt within the interwebz when a real, live cute girl is all but naked two feet away from them.


  If you aren't here to look at primarily nude women, then why the fuck are you here at all? Surely you can stare at your phone in the privacy of your own home or, to wit, in a place much less expensive than this.


  Go Home.



5) Calling a club to ask if there's a cover charge and if so, how much is it?


  Seriously? You had to ask that?


  Sometimes I cover the portal for the Doorgirl when she has to go to the bathroom. Every now and then when I do so, the phone rings and by default I have to answer it. I enjoy every opportunity to do this that I am awarded. It's great fun.


  I always answer thusly:



  "Hi and thank you for calling The Polymer Platypus, My name is Steve. How can I help you, citizen?"



  I say it like a morning drive DJ, super happy. It almost always throws the callers off their track. Sometimes they ask what the age limit is, or slightly more often, if there's a cover and how much is it?



  Now call me old fashioned, because I surely am. But if concern over the cover charge at any given club you care to name is a good enough reason (for you) to call said club and ask how much it costs to pass  through their vestibule, then you shouldn't go there and you don't belong there. It's too expensive for you or you're too rural to not be offended by the prices.


  This is the Big City, lad. The Town™, and shit don't come cheap here. Best ye head back to the moors and/or yon hills, ya barefoot, muskrat eatin rustic.





   So, I'm content that I reached five in the above list. Most assuredly I had planned on doing more, but in this wild new reality of 2019, So futuristic....I concluded that this was adequate and further deduced that...fuck your pictures.




Gluten Nottingham,
-The StripperHerder






















*1 Anger Triggers: See also Pet Peeves. I hate the term "Pet Peeves" and so prefer "Anger Triggers" because it more accurately describes