Well it's that time of year again folks where we all act like special needs cavemen because we end another segment of time as measured by our primitive chronological system, or as we humans call it, 'a socially acceptable reason to get drunk'.
To me it's not the beginning of a new year, its the beginning of a new day. Just another fucking day like any other except that a higher number of people are going to die tonight from alcohol related stupidity than on an average Tuesday night. A day filled with whatever promise, hope and potential that you choose to give it; special only because we've collectively chosen to view it that way.
Whatever, man.
So in my infinite laziness and ambivalence, I decided to just make some lists of shit that doesn't matter to anyone at all, but made writing this installment easier.
In a nod to that small part of me that still yearns to be one with the herd, I wish you and yours a happy, prosperous and asshole-free New Year.
Make the most of it.
5 Reasons Why Last Saturday Sucked.
1) We didn't make much money. Walking out with roughly $100 on a Saturday kinda sucks ass although I was happy to have it even so. I have a lot of bills coming up soon and any money is better than no money. I particularly despise this time of year because as far as tipping goes, "Christmas spirit" means virtually nothing. People suck just as much at Christmas as any other time of year.
2) I don't understand lesbians. While I get the attraction, I just don't understand the dynamics involved. I have very little interaction with the labians in the club and not much more outside of work. But from what little exposure I've had, I've been able to come up with the following theories:
A) Lesbians apparently only go out so they can have complete breakdowns in a public setting. Alcohol is usually involved but lesbians don't seem to react well to liquor. This leads me to believe that maybe they'd be happier if they just stayed home and double-donged.
B) Lesbians cry a lot. This could be because they're female*1, I'm not sure.
C) Lesbians thrive on drama, but claim to hate it. Yet at the slightest provocation they wade into the drama puddle and start splashing about, happy as angry clams. This is not the action of someone who 'hates drama'.*2
3) Idiots. There are so many ways idiots make my and everyone else's life more difficult. Adding in a dash of moron to any recipe makes the dish just slightly more frustrating, yet adds a certain piquancy of 'at least I'm not that stupid'.
I had two guys approach me while I was working the door and ask me if the ATM in the back of the club has a lower fee than the one in the front. I've also had customers ask me if drinks were cheaper at the patio bar than at the main bar.
I'll just let those two queries marinate for a while....
4) The Holiday schedule this year killed the weekends. Christmas Eve on a Tuesday? New Year's Eve on a Tuesday? It shatters the 'party week' paradigm and sends the service industry into a state of acute staffing crisis as baffled management teams struggle to guess which of the many possible nights in this stretch will get really busy and which ones they'll be overstaffed.*3
5) I just realized 2 weeks after posting this that I didn't have anything written for #5. So use your imagination for this one.
The StripperHerder's Top Ten Favorite Movies In No Real Order Because That Would Take Too Much Thought And Deliberation. So, (based on the formula of Times Viewed divided by Times Enjoyed):
1) Last of The Mohicans
2) Braveheart
3) Aliens
4) Kung Pow
5) The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
6) The Fifth Element
7) Tombstone
8) Boondock Saints
9) Romeo Is Bleeding
10) Monty Python's The Holy Grail*4
The StripperHerder's Top 5 Movies I've Never Seen That People Can't Fucking Believe I Haven't Fucking Seen:
1) A Christmas Story-I've seen small bits and pieces of this movie over the years, but never once sat down and watched it. It makes people shriek with incredulity when they hear it.
2) Top Gun-Have never seen it, Maverick. Over.
3) Back to the Future-Nope. None of them. Michael J Fox is annoying.
4) The Goonies-To people of a certain age, never having seen The Goonies is apparently some kind of childhood crime of sorts. Something on par with being caught inappropriately touching goats or pushing other children of cliffs.
I just never saw it, I profusely apologize.
5) Ghost-It's a love story, not really my thing. Wrapping a soap opera in a cloak of the supernatural doesn't hide what it is. For further example I give you 'Twilight'.
The StripperHerder's Top 5 Least Favorite Dancers To Work With
5) AbCynthia: Pale, famished and bottle blond. Expression glazed like Chinese takeout. A High Functioning Pillovore who somehow still has custody of her offspring even in the face of her impending junkiehood. Doesn't tip, dumb as wet socks.
4) Crusada: A Titty-Knight. To her credit tries to save self destructive strippers from themselves. She's like a beacon of hope to deranged strippers but her well meaning efforts generally add more unpleasant ripples to my timeline. It would take a whole post to explain it and maybe that's foreshadowing.
She should open a shelter or something.
3) Rat Bites: She's a Diva. How else can you explain her continued success in the face of her open leg sores? You can't. It's impossible. They're right there in front of you, dollar bills sticking to the gooey puckerations. She doesn't even try to cover them up, what's a few leg sores among friends?
Am I the only one who sees this? Why doesn't the next dancer on stage demand full decontamination and a priest before she'll take the stage after 'Bites' gets off?
I can't be the only person who see's this. Please God don't let me be the only one, I'm not strong enough...
2) Princess Adderallia: Has severe ADD. In fact her memory resets itself every 60 seconds or so and when you tell her to quit doing things that may get the club shut down, she is excellent at remembering it until you walk away. I have had the same conversation with this speeding, consistently drunk dancer a dozen times in the past 3 weeks and each and every time it's like she never heard or comprehended a single word I said.
Completely oblivious.
I've chosen to believe that she's a time traveller whose technology is hiccupping, making her relive the same day over and over like 'Groundhog Day'. She can't fix the device and being a stripper who can get wasted, do tons of drugs and fuck random strangers with no lasting consequences, she decides things could be worse and just goes with it.
I wouldn't care about any of this, I've tangled with time travelling strippers before and they were still strippers; albeit a bit more advanced than the ones I'm accustomed to dealing with. But she gets hammered and tries to rip guys off, charging them for 5 dances when she did 2 or 3. She does shit on stage that will get us closed if a Vice guy was in the club. And she's an annoying twat about it.
In short, management needs to fucking manage this crazy bitch and make her go away.
1) Vodzilla: My Nemesis. My Ancient Foe. My Archenemy. I salute your cybernetic liver and unbreachable orange skin. You are truly a worthy opponent. Throughout Time we have battled, you and I. In one guise or another across galaxies. Inspiring legends and myths with our struggle.
Beowulf and Grendel. Ahab and The White Whale. Merlin and Nineve. We were them all and more, and if I even remember correctly through all the eons, our quarrel began over a bottle of clear liquor.
I paid for it, bitch. All you had to do was leave the tip. The motherfucking tip. You cheap cunt.
Our conflict continues....
A Swarm of Brittneys
This dialogue was recorded from the clandestine moon based strip club, Moonie's. It is the last communication received from this ultra top secret facility which was created by factions within our gubbamint to test the feasibility of offworld gentlemen's clubs featuring cloned strippers.
The club was overrun with scores of a particular clone codenamed 'Brittney'. It seems this one particular strain of dancer became not only self aware, but hemaphroditic as well, breeding with itself and hiding the resulting pregnancies in fake corsets then going berserk when the tequila ran out.
(start eerie background music....here.)
Moonbase Titty Alpha: "Houston we have problem. Over."
Ground Control: "Acknowledged Titty One what is the problem. Over"
Moonbase Titty Alpha: [Screams, laughter in background] "We have a Brittney, problem. I repeat, we have a Brittney problem. [Muffled thumping] "They're everywhere!"
Ground Control: "Calm Down Moonbase! Have you deployed your Anti-Stripper Countermeasures? Over"
Moonbase Titty Alpha: "TWO PLUS TWO IS FOUR, YOU BITCH!' [Gunshots, screams]
Ground Control: "Moonbase! Moonbase? Have you dropped the shiny jewelry? Over."
Moonbase Titty Alpha: "SSSC's*5 Deployed! Result negligible. I repeat result negligible! [bottles breaking, Rihanna]
Ground Control: "Scramble security forces! Code Red! Acknowledge?"
Moonbase Titty Alpha: "I DON'T HAVE TO TIP YOU, BRITTNEY!" [gunshots, explosions] "You [expletive]!"
Ground Control: "Titty Base we request proof of control. Do we control the clubstation? Over."
Moonbase Titty Alpha: [childlike shrieking, gunshots, dubstep] "They can't be stopped, Houston! [gunshots, gurgling moans]"Moonbase Titty is lost.." [meaty thwacks, gunshots] "I repeat Moonbase Titty is lost! Proceed with Operation Cropdust!" [insane laughter, bottles clinking together, rap] "OPERATION CROPDUST, IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO BE SURE!" [close proximity screams, gunfire, bluegrass music]
***Signal Terminated***
Ground Control: [voice cracking] "Acknowledged Moonbase Titty..." [sob] Initiating Operation Cropdust. "Oh the Humanity..."[incoherent sobs] "Damn you Brittneys! Damn you all to Hell!"
And then Moonbase Titty Alpha became a smoking crater on the face of the moon courtesy of two satellite mounted thermonukes lobbed by Earth in self defense of a presumed invasion by hyper evolved Brittneys. It was our only hope.
I know sharing that was a questionable decision for an end of the year post, but I wanted to make an impact. Share something profound and maybe change a life or two.
Just remember there are Brittneys out there, waiting to converge and trample anything that stands in the way of the latest handbag. Be prepared, carry vitamins that look like prescription drugs, a pocketful of costume jewelry and a comfortable handgun.
Brittneys come in packs and should be treated with caution, even by seasoned operatives.
Happy Calender Change Day That Is Somehow More Special Than All Other Calender Change Days,
-The StripperHerder
*1 Biological fact, nothing to be ashamed of.
*2 In defense of lesbianism, I know WAY MORE non-gay people that are wholly committed to the Tao of "My crisis shall be the focal point of everyone around me. Thus will I be attended to."**
**I've even walked that path a few times. It goes nowhere.***
***"Oooooh! Look children, Philosophy!
Shhhh! Don't scare it off!"
*3 The realistic approach to this, when in doubt, is to always staff for maximum possible crowds. Cut staff when and if it becomes apparent they aren't needed. This system isn't perfect and will eventually lead to personnel loss, especially when the overlords play favorites with who stays or goes. That being said, it's a lot better than placing a skeleton crew in the face of a potential iceberg.
*4 I feel like I should add the following movies as being on my Top Ten list; I believe truly and deeply that math shouldn't stand in the way of a good movie and therefore these poor, innocent features should not be punished for my willful mathematical limitations.
The Princess Bride, Snatch, Star Wars, The Terminator, Airplane, Clash of the Titans (1981), Saving Private Ryan, The Professional, The Usual Suspects, Fight Club and representing the Martial Arts Category, Ong-Bak.
*5 SSSC: In military-speak this stands for Stupid Stripper Shiny Countermeasures, or flechette charges loaded with semi precious stones in nice gleaming settings for use in possible Stripper Rebellion Scenarios. In the Stripper dialect it translates to "pretty Argh!".
