At every club I've worked at over the last 14 years there are always TV's playing sports games. Men like sports, men like titties and beer. So all the clubs play the sports because they don't care if you're watching the game or the naked chicks as long as you're spending money.
So, over the years I've been privileged to witness (especially on slow nights), various guys debating and over-analyzing professional sports. To an insane degree.
Whole sports networks. 24 hr coverage of the same 20 minute block of news interspersed with lengthy over-analyzation of various players, games and coaches. This is the worst in football, probably because baseball has 124 teams who play 359 games each a season and no one cares too much about any of it.
You realize after many years of watching it with no sound except for the wailing of Rhianna or the insightful lyrics of Nicki Minaq, that all sports can be summarized as follows:*1
What can Insert Random NFL Team Name Here do to stop Adrian Peterson?
"Well, they can try to tackle him earlier, before he runs really far away. Like right at the goal line would be a good place, that way he wouldn't be able to run past the goal line which is ideally where you want to stop guys who are running with the ball."
What does Adrian Peterson have to do to run against the Insert Random NFL Team Name Here?
"He has to try to not be tackled before he runs really far away from the goal line. If I were him I would try to run away quickly and unpredictably all the while focusing on not being tackled. If he can avoid being tackled, he's going to be a force to be reckoned with because he's so hard to tackle before he runs really far away from the goal line."
What do the Insert Random NFL Team Name Here have to do win this week?
"I'd say they have focus on the fundamental ability to score more points than the other team. Call me crazy, but not a single team in the entire history of the NFL has scored less points than their opponent and still won the game. If you let your opponent score a bunch of points, you then have to score even more points than them before the game ends.
So if for example your team has scored 31 points, then I have to ensure that my team scores at least 32 or more to win the game. Really, it all comes down to points and like them or hate them, points are how the game is decided."
How can the Insert Random NFL Team Name Here fix their turnover problems?
"They could start by telling their quarterback to not to throw the ball to opposing players. He should really focus on completing passes to his own receivers, who then run really far away with the ball. When an opposing player catches the ball instead of one of the quarterback's own receivers, the opposing player has a chance to run the other way with the ball, which is bad. If you're going in one direction and the other team steals the ball and starts going in the opposite direction than the one you want to go in, you have to stop them before they run really far away.
Another thing the team could try to do is stop letting go of the ball when the an opposing player crashes into them. When they do that the ball sort of fumbles out of the grip of the carrier and bounces around on the ground, free for any player to just scoop right on up and run with. Sometimes the other team picks it up and runs really fast away from you, forcing you try to run faster than him in the opposite direction that you want to go. And that can be frustrating and counter productive."
Where did Insert Random NFL Team Name Here go wrong this Sunday?
"Well their first mistake was allowing the other team to score more points than them, that's a big no-no. In fact, in the entire history of the NFL, no team has won that's allowed the other team to score more points than them.
Secondly they allowed the other team's defense to steal the ball and run really far away with it. By the time they stopped him the ball was much closer to their own goal which sounds good, but is bad.
And lastly their kicker failed to kick the ball through the giant upright fork from really far away and so they didn't score as many points as they should have if they wanted to win the game."
That sums that up nicely. Now you can safely ignore 95% of sports coverage and focus on some fucking titties, you cheap tourist bastard.
HA!
Thought you were going to get some more content here because of the misleading title, didn't you?
Well, you're not. I will say that Scuzzy McCraterTits has been hired at the club I'm at now and I know you thirst for more tales of her drunken heartlessness, but I've decided to do it as another post because I'm skunked and lazy and can't be bothered to write more at this moment.
So consider this as foreshadowing or something equally literaturical.*2
It will be interesting to see what happens in the near future as Scuzzy acclimates to the new club like a piranha in a koi pond, clearly confused by the abundance of docile prey...
Happy 2013. To people of a certain age, 2013 sounds all Sci-Fi'y and shit, doesn't it?
-The StripperHerder, Born-Again Slut Minder
*1 I'm using football for an example because it is way more popular nowadays and because since I started playing fantasy football, I actually pay attention to some of the football stuff. Baseball and Basketball coverage is just a dull background blur of identically dressed dudes running around doing stuff with balls.
*2 I choose to believe this is a real word. It feels right.
