Like many higher end strip clubs, the Floor Bastards at my club wear tuxedos. Is it trite? Yup. Is it cliched? Abso-cunting-lutely. But there it is. I wear a damn tux at work.
A tuxedo is a highly specialized set of apparel. There are several occupations where it is very appropriate to wear one. A secret agent for example always wears a tuxedo. A Head Waiter might wear one. And of course, a bouncer at a pretentious
Here however is a short list of occupations where a tuxedo doesn't work.
Landscaper. Riot Cop. Mover. Interior Fucking Decorator. Painter. Janitor.
You get the idea. If management wants some dirty, sweaty goddamn work done around the place we have barbacks who are dressed in cargo pants and black t shirts.
What's that you say? You have a massive filthy nonworking cooler to move? Well by all means get some guys in tuxedos to do it. Let the sweat and grime really work into those expensive duds and then let the poor bastards wearing them marinate in their own perspiration and self loathing for the rest of the night.
Yeah. That's a fine idea. Let's do that.
its never going to fucking fit through a tiny fucking hatchway."
Listen, I'm a team player. Even if it seems sometimes like I'm on my own team. Even though I know that my current job doesn't give 2 shits about me, I can't help it. My parents, damn them, raised me to do whatever job is in front of me to the best of my abilities. Therefore I don't mind doing some of the manual labor stuff around the club for my staggering hourly rate of $6.25 an hour, I really don't.
Its not rocket science...
And while we're on the subject of lofty intellectual stuff, allow me to explain a very simple premise.
If you decide to go to a strip club then presumably you're already expecting inflated prices on drinks and pretty much everything else too. But if you roll up to a titty bar that looks from the outside to be a Tudor castle with fountains and sculptures and giant naked bronze chicks, you really need to consider if its the right club for you.
Details like these might mean that this club in particular might be too expensive for you. If you'd rather leave the club, drive ten minutes to downtown in search of an ATM that doesn't charge $10 like ours does, then you're definitely at the wrong place.
We had a guy do this tonight. Broke motherfucker.
Generally we call these people tourists because they're just here to see the sights. They'll nurse one drink for a couple of hours and ogle all the titty they can before we sweat them to buy another drink. From a club perspective they are fuck-all useless and on one wants them here.
Strip clubs, like casinos, have evolved over time be be the perfect fleecing machine. It has all the ways and means of a regular bar, (watering booze, short pours, short changing etc etc) plus a whole bunch of other tricks unavailable to non-titty bars.
math skills. Suddenly $6 beers seem reasonable.
For example our dancers are independent contractors. They pay to work here. So depending on what time they want to show up, they can pay anywhere from $35-$110 to work on any given night. (Its amazing to me how many people don't know this bit of trivia)
As I mentioned before we charge $10 for the privilege of using our ATM to obtain money to spend at our club. Yup, $10. And we set a single transaction limit of $150. So if you want $500 of your own money, you have to pay us $40 to get it. Or you buy some of our club funny money* which is even more expensive and you can't even buy drinks with it.
We have 2 bathroom attendants. You'd think they earn a small wage or work strictly for tips, right?
Nope. They actually fucking rent the space off the club. They, just like the dancers, pay to work here. And they make damn good money too.
Valet parking. Too lazy or important to walk a few extra yards? Pay a complete stranger to park your car and retrieve it when you're ready to go. Basic service is $8 plus tip. Out of that $8 the club gets half for every car parked.
The club takes a portion of the DJs' tips.
The club takes a portion of the Bartenders' tips.
The club takes a portion of the Barbacks' tips.
The club takes a portion of the Floor Mammals' tips.
The club takes a portion of the Champagne Girls' tips
The club takes a portion of the Door Girls' tips.
The club takes a portion of the Valets' tips.
The gross profit margin on a case of Anheuser-Busch beerlike swill is roughly $120 and we sell the crap like there's no tomorrow.
We sell bottle of vodka that cost us $20-25 for $300. The mark up on champagne is 800% or more depending on vintage.
See the elephant? I'm sure the owner makes money from the club in ways I don't even know about (but possible theories include:)
-Stripper Ranching: Mostly Russian and Eastern Eurpoean stock I would imagine. Good genetics at bargain basement prices, easy to afford diet of vodka and Adderall.
-Thong Buyback Program: Club buys back used thongs and sells them for insane profit to virgin, manga obsessed, perverted Japanese guys.
-Stripper Turd-o-Cams: Perhaps the reason the plumbing in the building is so bad is not because the owner used substandard everything but because the delicate poo capturing cameras built into the toilets can't handle the water pressure required for a proper flush.
Certainly food for thought.
The Strip Club is like the shark of the booze shack world. Perfectly adapted to eat customers.
Thank you for your adhesion,
-Танцор верблюдов
*Like Monopoly money but for tits instead of titles. We have a 20% upcharge for this service and while you CAN take it with you, like faerie money, its becomes worthless at closing time on the day you bought it. So if you don't spend it that night, you might as well have just burned your money.
