1) The Albino Guy: Fuck You. I hope you get cornered and beaten by your nemesis, soft fluorescent lighting.
2) The Girl(s) Who Shit All Over The Toilet Seats: Fuck You! Someday I would like to super glue you to the floor and use your face for a toilet for a week. Then you could clean up someone else's feces, or, just let it crust there. (which isn't an option for me)
3) The Waitress or Drunk Customer Who Took A Dump In Our Storage Room: I have a DNA sample. I will find you and do horrible things to your floor and walls. Horrible things. Your home will smell worse than a ten foot heap of rotting animal dicks.
You'll have to call a crime scene cleaning company because Handy Maids will simply say "Fuck You."
4) Sports FANATICS: Fuck You. Regular, normal sports fans, you're OK. But you Asshole fanatics, seriously, and I mean this, fuck you.
Think about this. You experience the whole range of human emotion, from manic highs to soul-crushing lows, by watching muscular men run around and sometimes end up in piles all while wearing tight uniforms.
You argue and get into fights with other douchebags who worship a different group of millionaires who don't give a fuck about them.
So I reiterate, fuck you.
5) Bachelorette Parties: Fuck you, you misbegotten train wrecks. Trust me when I say you're not cute. You're not being all buzzed and adorable, you're hammered and annoying.
You didn't come to the club to see strippers, you came for the attention. "Drunk non-strippers in a titty bar? YEE-HA! Let me at em!" Every wasted moron in the place is watching you as well as the dancers. Its your night and you've chosen to be a vomit scented sideshow hurtling headlong into ruin and drama.
Half of you don't even want to be there, particularly the orca-goblinlike perimeter guards, but one skank or another talked the Bride To Be into it or she wanted to go anyway and here you are.
6) The Shitfaced Girl Who Asked Me "Am I in a strip club?"
"No hon, you're at Denny's. If you'll look to your right you'll see that tonight's special seems to be 'Moons Over My Clammy' or 'Butter-Cheese Chowder Stuffed Deluded Girl' ".
Fuck you. Stupid bitch.
7) The Sikh Who Wouldn't Take His Hat Off Because It Is Against His Religion: Really?
Admittedly I know less than nothing about the Sikh faith. I care very little about extremely religious people of any creed with all the ridiculous symbology and rituals they adhere to. Whatever floats your boat.
But all I know is that if by your religion its OK to to have your face buried in various strange girls poontangs, but its not OK to go bareheaded in public, then something got fucked up somewhere and you should reexamine the ancient texts.
You've gotten it all messed up. Fuck you.
8) All The People Who Wanted A Table In A Full Club: You're willing to pay $9 for a drink but can't see your way fit to tossing me a 10 spot for squeezing your group in anyplace I could ask, cajole, plead or threaten you into? Is that seriously too much to ask?
From now on lead with a twenty or fuck you, find your own.
9) The Fake Churchbells Down The Street That Weren't There 3 Months Ago: A boom box and a P.A. system? Fuck you.
It they were even real bells played by clockwork I would have no problem. That's Old Church and I could get behind it because a lot of work goes into something like that. But pushing 'Play'? 'Aggravatingly Loud Random Peal #4'?
And why all of a sudden? Have you been praying for years for Jesus to enable you to buy an eight track player hooked up to a monstrous karoke machine and he finally came through?
Hallefuckyouya.
10) Random Birthday Cunts: I don't know you and therefore I couldn't care any less what day of the year you were spawned on. After dealing with some of you bastards I really wish your mothers' wombs would have reabsorbed all of you.*
*What? I didn't know either. Look it up.
*Picture too graphic for publication
