This newest place I work at is the Fourth Plane of Hell.
Apparently I committed some fucking legendary atrocities in a former life and karma is going all Count of Monte Cristo on my ass. Never in my life have I worked at a place dominated by such epic cuntery and puckered, emasculated mismanagement.
Its like working in a blade factory run by a hemophiliac schizophrenic.
Let me throw some tidbits your way and you can form your own opinions.
-These 2 ghetto ho's teamed up today and basically bushwhacked unsuspecting drunks*. They promised every sexual act possible that doesn't require a midget, Bugatti or a panda, then refused to deliver or came screaming to a floor host when a dude would whip out his pecker. Every single room they had was a pain in the ass or a brawl for us worthless Floor Abortions who had to wade through their river of broken hope*.
These quasi literate twats made over 3K each, saw the carnage they'd wrought for us Walking Meat Pies and still only tipped a total of $23. So if my math serves me correctly means they tipped us less than 0.3% of what they earned from our physical and mental exertions. (1 Fight, 2 Escorted Toss Outs and 3 Justifiably Pissed Off Would-Be Johns.)*
-Another seriously Mounumental Bitch heard this guy had some dough on him so she landed him and made $400 off him. Then, thinking she had bled him dry, disappeared to make another $500 elsewhere for the next hour or so.
Later she realizes this guy is STILL in the club spending money freely and its not with her. So she freaks out very publicly on the other dancer and motherfuck's both them loudly and inappropriately in front of everyone in the club. She strides up to me and says the other girl was letting the guy finger here right on the floor and that I should throw the guy out then goes back to yell at both of them more.
I was right there anyway, and trust me, there was no finger banging going on whatsoever. Total bullshit spawned by an indignant Mecha-Whore*.
I told the Mismanager this when he asked what was going on. Then the Mecha-Whore comes over and spews her poison on him. End result was that he took her side and chastised the other (reasonably innocent) dancer. There was no reprimand/discipline for this rampant bitch.
He has no balls. Not a speck of testicular matter whatsoever. And because of this he's a classic Bully. He takes out his impotent rage on his underlings. Which is everyone.
But his favorite prey is always Floor Grouse.
His radio skills are amazingly bad which leads me to believe he does it on purpose since he has an extensive military background. I'd like to say (like the vast majority of my previous bosses) that I want to punch his smirking face, but the sad truth is that I'm not sure I could whoop his ass, He is not a man to be taken lightly.
Given all that, here's what his radio communication sounds like. Everyone else with a radio is clear as a bell except for the door girl, who has a voice like Hooks from Police Academy, yet he comes through as:
"Wustel figgle noo noo. Hoth terra fuck doing, jawa?"
When you politely say "Huh?" He replies
"ARGLE SEMPER DOOGLE WHY HOLE AM I? FUSHIN MEFFLE-WEFFLE DIRGE!"
Its fuckin maddening.
This Particular club has been through 71 Managers in the past 5 years*. The average Life Expectancy of a Manager in this organization is less than that of an F-16 pilot who is blind and limbless.
This should tell you something about this company.
-I found 3 wallets this weekend. Two with money and one without. I took them up to the lobby after debating with myself whether to take the cash or not. I decided not to on both occasions because I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.
That being said, considering the environment, wouldn't YOU choose to reward a person honest enough to not only return your wallet WITH the money in it, but to have you paged to front lobby to pick it up?
Call me crazy, cuz I've done it before, but if you find my wallet with all the cash still in it much less the ID, credit cards, bank cards, insurance cards, pictures, and various other valuables, you're getting a reward my friend. Honesty like that deserves a motherfucking gratuity. Not many people would do that in a club full of drunks, drug addicts, opportunists, whores, lowlife scumbags, professional athletes, rich guys and desperate, grandmotherly strippers.
For finding and returning these wallets intact I received 2 Thanks and 0 Dollars.
What, beyond my own honor, is my incentive for being honest?
From now on there's going to be a 20% Finder's Fee subtracted before subject is paged.
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One Holy, Shining Moment we had recently was the Shit-Canning of of prodigious Whoo-er who's been haunting the scene for WAY too long. This bloated bitch was like a great grandma with an intestinal parasite who did more drugs than a nursing home. She was wretched in a way that I can't fully describe without using smells.
This date shall be known forevermore as Goodbye Cunt Day and will be celebrated by Floor Knaves everywhere with startling regularity and solemn introspection.
I'll do pictures later. Have run out of beer. Off to fix that problem but done with typing for now.
Blargle nuegle dish-dash,
-The StripperHerder
*These guys aren't exactly blameless. They were insanely drunk idiots and I feel very little pity for them.**
**For an idea of how these fucking bitches went through customers, watch the following video. You'll only need 20 seconds to get the idea. Not for the faint of heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8874Lrull0
*Where we suffer the Pirahna of Unhappiness
*These numbers have been switched around a bit to cover my paranoid ass. There was a fair amount of blood involved which is OK because it wasn't mine or my co-worker's.
*The same Mecha-Whore who, incidentally, ass-raped the Whooping Crane several installments ago.
See a pattern?
* This is not an exaggerated number
