The power's been out forever. Water has been a thing of the past for over a month now. For the most part the frenzied murder-circus in the streets that was commonplace for a week or so, has more or less just become murdering at a kinda medium pace. Like when it's convenient and it is clear the victim has something of value to take.
Increasingly though 'something of value' denotes having skin or being comprised mostly of meat, which we're all guilty of. Both of these things are useful to folk who've decided that humans are just other animals, and they're way easier to kill than deer. Especially when you live in an urban center that is teeming with people, but noticeably lacking in livestock, wild game or fucking locally grown vegetables.
And while we're on the subject of fucking vegetables, let us not understate their importance in a human being's diet. I read a book about Lewis and Clark's expedition to the Pacific and let me tell you, humans cannot survive on red meat alone. These guys were able to shoot idiotic amounts of deer, elk, bear, birds of every description, small critters of every stripe. For weeks at a time they were able to consume up to twelve pounds of deer or elk meat a day and yet they were still on the verge of starvation and suffering from extreme malnutrition because the meat was too lean to provide the fat needed and they had very little in the way of carbohydrates or vitamins. Most of the life saving components of their diet were provided by the tribes of Native Americans they encountered along the way.
So although it sounds like the solution to all your problems, grilling up some homo sapiens, is a temporary fix. It does, admittedly, offer you ample opportunities to perfect a meat marinade for that ultimate street-food skewer or kebab. But even the greatest tasting strip of human buttstrap won't save you if you can't find cabbage, potatoes, carrots or fucking rhubarb to consume it with.
That being said, there's nothing lean about your average American in 2020 Trumpmerica. We have an obesity rate of roughly 40% percent, which if you ask me, is definitely a clear indicator of a society in decline.
I firmly believe that if Lewis and Clark's expedition had to subsist almost solely on the average and easily stalked 2020 Murrikan, that they would've been fine due to the incredibly high fat content of our meat. Not to mention all the second harvest Wendy's they could've scooped from our still warm innards.
So to segue seamlessly into this next bit, I'm going to say that just as with that historic expedition, I am too facing adversity with gunpowder and sheer fuck-you'ed-ness.
Just like Lewis And Clark: the brass balled, tougher-than-you-will-ever-think-about-being motherfuckers.
Don't let their names fool you, they're were badasses. Read their damn story.
Ahem.
Like I alluded to in the Title of this installment, things haven't really been going well. Two weeks after the water went away the world lost it's mind and everything went mule-dick crazy, all societal norms went out the window. Turns out some really thirsty people decided they will absolutely cut your throat for a bottle of Dasani and that sentiment spread wildly among other dehydrated folk. Despite our societal lethargy, turns out a lot of humans can still adapt quickly to paradigm shifts that involve their survival. Chief among them is the killing of other people to obtain resources necessary to their continued existence.
Duh.
If you were harboring any illusions that this wouldn't be the case, I'm pleased to announce that you were wrong. Humans, especially those accustomed to an easy lifestyle, will revert to angry, homicidal-chimp mode much quicker than a human acquainted with deprivation.
So, you know, shoot anyone on sight wearing nice clothing. They're savages, trust me.
Ergo, things have gotten a bit uglier than most of the population saw coming. The preppers of course are mostly fine, having made their out to the secret bunkers where they eat rehydrated food and comment on the fall of civilization and presumably fuck a lot.
Myself on the other hand, one who prepped just enough to ride out the initial chaos and culling of the Amurrikan population am finally running dry on supplies and getting hungry.
And although there are no accurate numbers to be had, I'd be willing to bet at least 6 cans of ravioli that out of a population of 330 million, after a month without any of the trappings of civilization, that a third of us are already gone.
And I'm proud to say that I haven't eaten a single one of them so far!
But having said that, here are some of the atrocities I've perpetrated since shit went down. In the spirit of full disclosure.
-I beat a dwarf to death with a mace a friend made me over a package of rancid pancetta which I attempted to use in a carbonara. The problem is the dog milk I'd harvested for the sauce had gone sour and I'd long since eaten the dog who'd provided it thus negating the chance of getting more milk. I felt with his physical limitations the dwarf should've been carrying a firearm, but I am glad he wasn't because:
A) I didn't get shot, and
B) I didn't have to expend a round killing the wee fuck. It was like clubbing to death a wounded porcupine. It wasn't fast in the first place....
-I shot a guy from my window who was yelling about Jesus at what I felt to be an inappropriately early hour in the morning. When things first went fucky, I used to yell at these Jesus Freaks to shut up, give them the opportunity to move somewhere where I couldn't hear them and where their brains could potentially remain in their skull. Now I just shoot them without any warning.
I'm trying to sleep for fuck's sake.*1
-I ran over a kid on a skateboard because I could. Seriously it's the end of the world and just by being outdoors at the same time as me makes you a rival. And now that murder is an outdated notion gassed forth by the corpse of society, well, sometimes it's best to preemptively off someone in case they may be a future competitor for dwindling resources.
Especially if they're a minor and they make themselves super easy to kill. Sometimes you just can't help it.
-I improvised weapons with insanely cute kittens as the delivery vector. God help me.
-I, without remorse or prejudice, rained fiery death down upon the chaos on the street below me via Molotov Cocktails. People really should've chosen a different area to slaughter one another at than underneath my window.
That cost me a fair portion of my gas reserves as well as many empty vodka bottles. Although the greasy fire beneath my window may have been considered festive under the right circumstances, I found it too much like a pig roast to truly enjoy it. Made me think about harvesting some crackling or asymmetrical boiled leather armor bits.
But I'm not going to apologize for it and despite my protests otherwise, I can totally foresee myself eating the fuck out of other humans rather than starve or kill myself.
I am prepared in the spice department as well as other areas.
Yours in protein acquisition,
-Apocalypse Herder
*1 Honestly I just shoot them all anymore no matter what time of day it is and whether I'm trying to sleep or not. All that clamoring just brings more two legged predators around and frankly I can't be having all that. I'd rather spend 2 or 3 rounds painting a sidewalk with insane person brains than spend 20 or 30 rounds defending my habitat from a bunch of opportunistic potential cannibals.
I refer to this as Fuckem's Razor. It's an Apocalypse Thing.
