Now accepting job offers: one grizzled, haggard motherfucker, large. Lazy but with a solid work ethic, sorta. Doesn't like talking to other humans or interacting with drunk people. Not especially friendly anymore, but able to fake it for the right amount of pay. Seeks job where I work alone, in a least a square mile of space devoid of other bipeds. Would prefer not to digs ditches for a living but what does it pay?
SO fucking tired of dealing with alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals and garden variety scumbags for half the money I used to make that it just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore. I might have better things to do, I just have to figure out what they are and how I can make them pay the rent.
That being said I'm going to start a Patreon account. If the entertainment this blog brings you is worth the tiny amount of money I'd ask for then great, I'll write more.
If not then I'll still publish the blog, no worries. But if you're a regular reader and sympathize with the cuntery I put up with every day, then throw a bit my way if you can spare it.
But enough about all that whiny ass money shit. I'll survive even if I have to live in an abandoned shack in the woods somewhere eating possums and stray children.
Let's kick this bastard off with a fun round of multiple choice questions centered around a central theme.
Ready?
1) In a very crowded club I put a table together for eight shitheads. It wasn't easy. I had to ask a table to move down one so I could accomplish this and most people don't like moving once they're settled.
In exchange for this tiny miracle I received the following tip for my efforts:
A) The keys to a running '87 Corolla
B) A Fiver
C) A complete stranger tousling my hair like I was 5 and telling me I'm going to amount to something some day
D) I got told I "was the best".
2) I set up a champagne room for a guy with a credit card carved from the world's 6th largest diamond. I think you could buy a small country with it no questions asked. This room included 2 of our Premium bottles of booze, 4 dancers for two hours each and I let them smoke in the room even though it's a crime punishable by lethal injection in the state I'm from. The tab came to something like $8-9K.
What was the tip this customer left for me on this transaction?
A) $11.63
B) 4 grams of gold dust
C) An offer for a line of coke and any beverage I wanted from the bar I work at
D) Fuck all. Absolutely nothing.
3) I had a customer who was almost berserk because he'd lost his phone. Clearly his child pornography pictures and snaps of his weird mushroom-goat dick were in danger of falling into the wrong hands. I fucking found his phone for him and he thanked me by tipping me:
A) An offer to text me some 'seriously hot pics'
B) Fumbling around in his wallet as he exited the club, then breaking into a sprint once out the door
C) $20
D) A sweaty handshake and a promise to leave a positive Yelp review
4) A customer was being accosted in our parking lot by several beer muscled twats in sideways hats. I intervened, calmed the situation down and allowed said customer to leave the parking lot unbeaten, unshot and in possession of all his belongings, teeth included..
He amply rewarded me by:
A) Throwing his fast food wrappers out of his window as he safely exited the parking lot so I could clean them up later and lick the excess condiments off the wax paper before the raccoons got to them.
B) A spray of fast moving gravel across my shins as he sped out of the lot like a scared school kid.
C) A hurriedly mumbled 'thank you' and a $50 bill pressed into my hand.
D) Yelling racial epithets out the window as he sped off, thus making me look like an asshole to people I don't care about.
5) I picked up a group of 11 fucking idiots in the shuttle one night. They asked me if I was going to give them free passes (which I was allowed to do, but they didn't know that) and I said "I'm not supposed to, but if you take care of me, I'll take care of you". I said this making the erroneous assumption that at least one of them spoke Service Industry, but as usual, I WAS WRONG.
My tip for saving them $110 at the door and a $30 ride?
A) An enthusiastic chorus of shit souled cheapskates praising my name
B) A Fiver
C) Three 'thank you's' and a 'you're the best'
D) Some brotherly patting of my shoulder
I'm going to post this because I'm hammered and this is as good as it's going to get for now.
God bless Munerika,
-The StripperHerder
ANSWERS: D, C, B, A, B
