Before I begin my poems of meaninglessness, allow me to reiterate that this blog is primarily satire. I enjoy writing about curb-stomping Uber drivers, slapping stupid strippers silly when they're being especially trying, or even head-butting a particularly dickish patron until he looks like a meatball sub that's been run over by an asphalt grader.
However, because I value my freedom more than anything else on this Earth, I never act on my righteous impulses. Even at my angriest, I've never let slip the Dog of my War. It was made very plain to me when I was growing up that I was Too Big To Play With The Other Kids and that I had to become less assholey or that someone would end up shooting me or that I would be given a life sentence for throttling some annoying twat long past when they stopped struggling.
SO, some of the following material MAY be considered by some readers to be offensive in some way, even if it's just a haiku. Some people SEARCH for indignation. It's a geas that's been thrust upon them by their overdeveloped sense of wrong and right and the quest to be the most offended person in their peer group. Mayhaps there's a trophy involved, I don't know.
So, fuck them and whatnot.
Ahem. Because they are one of the most popular facets of my blog-genius, I'll start with thirteen random topic haiku's for your enjoyment:
Joy will annoy you
Strippers named Joy don't bring joy
As a rule of thumb
Jim, the regular
Perverted scumbag lowlife
Mackin on teen girls
World's oldest dancer
Misha twerks to Abba songs
Jurassic Stripper
Useless Regular
Can't afford a dance nor drink
Breathing up our air
Shit talkin white kid
Won't last an hour in the hood
Fucking privileged twat
I drive for Uber
Clueless to my location
What are traffic laws?
I'm Millenial
Entitled but not thankful
Tipping is fascist
Gin weathered stripper
Haggard booze-medusa hunts
Stalking drunken prey
I am a Rapper
How have you not heard of me?
I have face tattoos
There's barf all over
My drunk girlfriend made a mess
Thanks for cleaning it
(NO TIP)
Deranged Foreigner
Thinks all strip clubs are brothels
Enjoys rape-cations
The Bacon Daisy:
Excessive inner lippage
Pita fulla ham
Explosive Ass-Blow
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EAT, BRO?
Straight missed the oval
There, that wasn't so bad was it? I knew you could handle it, valued consumer!
In other 'Herdin news there's a lot of stuff that's happened since my last post. If you think I might miss this opportunity for another List, then you've sadly mistaken the true nature of my writing ability, oh optimistic one.
Since I've cleared that up, here's a bullet point List of everything noteworthy that has taken place since my last installment:
-Floor Guy: Rinaldo has been terminated. His last mistake was a scrawled in $1800 tip that a customer complained about. Don't mourn for him, he had a GOOD run.....
-Seventeen more strippers I have worked with have passed away in the last month, the oldest of which was 27.
Heroin is a HELL of a drug, but to be fair I think at least 4 of them were murdered...
-Another Manager War led to the Floor Staff scurrying for the trees as hostilities were commenced. Looking down at it from the high branches we all concluded that it looked brutal and uncompromising, then we shrugged at went back to staring at our phones.
Sir Atomize D'Lessars VI won of course, we all knew he would and refrained from taking sides. We knew from previous engagements that the forest canopy offered neutrality and plausible deniability and we took to it like lemurs and flying squirrels.
Almost graceful in our flight.
-We have fired and rehired at least 3 strippers, God help us.
We never fucking learn.
-Italy has surpassed Germany as the 5th highest readership of the StripperHerder on the planet Earth.
In descending order my readership looks like this
Amurrika
Russia (fuck yeah!)
UK
Canada
Italy
Germany
Australia
France
Netherlands
Poland
And in the interest of full disclosure, I get a steady supply of hits from Unknown Regions. Their words, not mine.
I like to think of these "Unknown Regions" as pirate enclaves, or somehow lost pockets of Viking populations that have the internet but choose not to pillage with information gleaned from it.
It keeps me warm at night. Wolverines!
Your despotic Uncle
-King Herdy O' Stripperson
