Incredibly typical of idiot American ideas, making St. Patrick's day even a nominal holiday was one of the poorest decisions our Gubbamint has ever made. Let's take a culture who, deserved or not, has a reputation for hard drinking and ancestral roots that are deeply intertwined with booze, and give them a National Holiday. A day that celebrates their rich heritage, their widespread contributions to virtually every nook and cranny on the globe, and their obsessive love of getting shitfaced and then fucking singing about it.
It's not at all like the Irish were alone in their complete and total love of hooch. Many cultures have a robust and enduring bond with Sweet Lady Alcohol and yet don't draw nearly the comparison that the Irish do. Take Germans for example, they fucking worship beer. They made rules about how and with what ingredients you could brew beer. Punishments for breaking these rules got all messy and Germanic...
The French routinely drink insane amounts of wine, more than any other country with a population over 100,000 in fact, based on figures from 2014. And while most rational countries despise France, it isn't because they drink too much wine.
So for me, St Patty's Day has become this commercially sponsored orgy of inebriated fucktardedness that grates on my psyche like a poorly shaved bush grates on my upper lip.
Later today I will pilot a large vehicle through teeming throngs of staggering, wasted morons. Even the sober ones will slide unwittingly into intersections because of the vomit-slick sidewalks, a regurgitated slurry-chute of corned beef, shitty beer, Jameson shots and shamelessness.
I pray to Norse Gods that I don't snap and go all Death Race 2000 on these bipedal whelks. I give it a 60/40 chance in favor of not clogging my engine compartment with human remains. Ya just never know...
So, happy St. Fat Prick's Day, you fucking fucks. Stagger in front of my bus.
Nubs you,
-The StripperHerder
