I suck at life. I am by no means extremely adaptable to the whims of changing societal norms. I am like the old man shaking his fist at teenagers who tread across his lawn, vowing one day he will cut them in half with a fusillade of flying rock salt and hell be damned the consequences.
It's MY lawn...
That being said I'm not a total washout from life. I understand that things are going to change and that from my perspective they will probably change for the worse. It is inevitable. To me progress means potential disasters happening faster and I would very much appreciate being excluded from them, but have neither the clout nor ammunition to make it so.*1 Our dependency on computers and electronics will be our undoing, it's only a matter of time.
But look on the bright side, maybe we'll be dead by then!
Just because my current phone can't access the internet doesn't mean that I won't...eventually... have a phone that might be able to play Candy Crush.
I SO look forward to the day.
You see, I was raised by the cardinal rule that if something isn't broke-don't fix it. Ergo; my phone can not only send and receive calls, but it sends and receives text messages too. Very 2005.
And even though texting is far less efficient in regards to information exchanged vs. time expended than actually talking to someone, its impersonality is preferred by the majority of humans nowadays and therefore I have adapted their use.
Not unlike a Bigfoot wintering in an abandoned cabin.
My phone is not, by any means, the portable computers that most people have nowadays. And while I admit there are many times it would be handy to have the internet in my hand with a bunch of cool, handy apps, I don't give enough of a shit and/or am not inconvenienced enough yet to make a change in my life.
I'm most definitely not a 'gadget guy'. Even the fact that I just used the term 'gadget' should tell you I'm at least ten years behind cutting edge consumer electronics. Happily so I might add.
It's incredible how I manage day to day life with technology over a dozen years stale, but I am an amazing human being so it's only to be expected.
As I have iterated many times before, while I have a pretty cool job that is envied by many, it is in fact a job. Therefore, no matter how cool it is, there will always be things drive me shit-monkey crazy about it. For an analogy that really stretches the connection a bit, think of being a rock star and touring the world.
Sounds pretty fucking awesome, doesn't it?
And it is.
But then think of touring the world for like the 30th or 40th time and a whole bunch of the shine comes right the fuck off. Is it still a kick ass way to make a living? Hell yeah. Pays great, free head. But is it anything like that first tour? Hell no. StripperHerding is the same way. The first few years are a dream come true, then it becomes a job.
That being said, my latest (motherfucking) peeve is the practice of some girls to not only come in after 11:30 pm on most nights, but to fucking get away with it for very little consequences. I've written about this before. It's not good for the club for several reasons.
But wait, before I get into why this isn't good for the club, let me take a moment to talk about some Advanced Strippernomic Theory as supposed by Dr. Alfred Shankaho, inventor of strip club calculus.
Dr. Shankaho pioneered a system assigning a relative value to each individual dancer according to a set standard of criteria. This value interacts with the relative flow dynamics of a reasonably managed strip club and is parsected*2 by the proximity of truckstops or airports within a 20 mile radius.
And that are some real hard math, bro...
Below I will cite factors in his system of dancer valuation with annotations of my own, based on my years of unaccredited expertise on the subject. His text will read black and my comments, translations and evaluations will read blue.
Excerpts from; Stripper Valuation Criteria©, By Dr. Alfred Shankaho, PHD. Copyright, 1973
1) Assessment of physical attributes. Or; how hot is the bitch?
This assessment must be as unbiased and open minded as possible. One must take into account all aspects of subject and apply them to a general cross section of target market. Is one particular attribute better represented in subject that in the majority of other assets currently employed at the club? Does subject excel in multiple areas in comparison to other assets?
Is this stripper hot? Look at all her various bits and ask yourself, "Would I be embarrassed to put her on my stage? Does she have an enormous, non saddening rack? Is her ass nice to look at? Does she not only have a great set of hooters, but a fantastic dumper as well? Is she a total package?"
You have to look at it this way, there has to be something appealing about the girl. You may not even know what it is, or want to know what it is. As long as she makes money for the club and doesn't kill anyone, she's good to go. Most clubs will put up with an insane amount of bullshit from a dancer if she's a good earner.
I.e. talking guys into buying shit they don't need and spending more money than they should.
2) Factor in the stripper's enthusiasm level. Is she smiling all the time? Does she have a default facial expression similar to a Victorian serial murderer? Is her manner open and welcoming like an old friend, or as guarded and unsympathetic as a Depression Era Dust Bowl Carny Hooker? A friendly and embracing nature will overcome physical limitations in nearly every case.
Does having this stripper sitting across from you make you wish there was a shotgun strapped to the underside of the table and that you had your finger on the trigger? Or does she give you feeling that she really 'gets' you and that if maybe the two of you had met in a different time, under other circumstances, that something truly special might've happened?
Is she just plain fun to be around, or a dreary, mournful presence at your table, casting a silent pall of despair and desperation over your time in the club? Attitude and personality count for a lot in a world filled with soulless dance dispensers. I've worked with girls who didn't have much going on for them in the looks department, but the had character in spades and they're usually pretty successful. Everyone likes a reasonably pretty, non annoying girl who's either an idiot, or who can convincingly depict a fluffy idiot, so that customers can feel better about themselves.
For the average guy, nothing beats a red hot moron with a shaved cooch and D-cups.
Sad but true.
3) Can the dancer do pole tricks? Is she well versed in the more acrobatic aspects of her trade?
No one fucking cares about pole tricks. It's like opera or ballet: it takes years of intense training, innate skill, a certain level of fearlessness, and still the only people who give a shit about it are people who do the same thing for a living. Like me, you may respect the amount of effort and BST*3 that it took to achieve the level of proficiency in any of these arts and still not have the slightest fucking desire to witness any one of them being perpetrated.
Pole dancing is like this. You respect the the skill and effort involved, but like NASCAR, you're secretly hoping for a wreck. Watching a girl gyrate around on a brass pole in a way very similar to the last girl on stage quickly loses its appeal.
The 'artistic' side of adult entertainment has been dumbed down for the Common American Idiot. Who needs fantasy outfits and theme dances when you have twerking and laying around with your legs spread?
No one, I would submit. No one needs artsy when whorey is so much better.
That's enough excerpts for you. If you want to read further on Dr. Shankaho's theories and formulas for stripper valuation, I suggest you try to track down a copy of his text on the subject. Shouldn't be too hard if you know where to look.
Now, back to 6 hour work weeks...
The reason you can't let dancers get away with constantly coming in really late (11pm-12:30am) and then worming their way out of paying a large house/late fee is because absolutely nothing stays a secret in a strip club for long.
Fucking nothing. Everyone knows who's pregnant, who's selling which drugs, who's a whore, who's bebbydaddy is in jail, who's got which STD and who's banging who.
Therefore if you keep letting a dancer slide on massive late fees while you hit other dancers with them, pretty soon discord has been sown. As soon as discord rears its ugly face, stripper factions form, mobs really, and next thing you know there's a wall of fake tittied, pitchfork wielding single mothers intent on burning someone dressed just like you.*4
Like it's your fault or something, totally not the Manager who actually made the call. Personally I don't approve of stripper favoritism, from a Floor Goon's perspective all it really does is make our jobs harder. But I recognize that it's never going to go away, like taxes or herpes and have learned to live with it, mostly by endeavoring never to be The Counter.*5
Gimme the door or shuttle any day...
That's it for this post, kids. Tune in next time when I feature an interview....with myself. I think you'll find it super objective and wholly unbiased in any way.
Live to win,
-The StripperHerder
*1 Hi, this is Future StripperHerder writing this footnote weeks after I wrote the material it is attached to. I can only think to myself as I reread the paragraph that without air conditioning, cold readily available beer and online porn, I would be totally willing to call it quits.
What I wrote in this paragraph made it seem like I was yearning to be some sort of survivalist mountain man or something when in reality when our society goes all pear shaped, I'll attempt to right a few wrongs and probably die doing it and am fine with that.
A world without air conditioning is not one I'm willing to exist in.
Also as far as I know, Burger King doesn't make survival rations: another reason to just say "Fuck it."
*2 Parsected is a mathmatical word I just made up. Fans of Star Wars will notice that I derived the word parsected from a statement made in the first Star Wars movie, Episode 3 or 6 or 9 or whatever: "You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?…It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs."
*3 BST: Blood, Sweat and Tears. Or in Stripper-Speak: 'Blow, Sperm and Tequila.'
*4 Strippers generally aren't very good at telling Floor Guys apart or remembering our names, despite the fact that there are less than ten of us and we can regularly keep track of seventy or more of them. I used to find this surprising because I am a half foot taller and one hundred lbs heavier than the next biggest host and tend to stand out in a crowd. But then I remembered that there are many reasons why these girls are strippers in the first place, chief among them being they are just too dumb and lazy for most other jobs.
*5 The poor schmuck that has to cash out each and every dancer that worked that night.
