Stripper gangs are a facet of the titty bar reality you seldom hear about. Your average gentleman's club wants to portray a facade of 'good ole fashioned naughty fun'. They like words such as bawdy, sexy, playful and seductive to describe their club experience.
Nowhere in their lexicon will you finds words like disturbing, criminal, cock snargling or stab wounds.
So while most clubs realize they have a stripper gang presence, if not outright problem, they obviously don't want anyone else, like you, to know about it. Therefore it's taboo to speak of it, which is exactly why I'm about to do just that.
Stripper gangs run the gamut in influence within the strip club ecosystem, ranging everywhere from 'merely annoying' to 'run the whole fucking show'. If you're unfortunate enough to work in one where the gangs run things, which I have done more than once, then you are a sorry bastard indeed and will be very lucky to escape with your life and ballsack intact.
I know what you're thinking, "how can strippers run anything? They're small, drunk and on more drugs than a rest home population." Well some of them don't let that stop them, and not all of them are small and drunk. Every club I've worked in has had enforcer strippers and they can be truly frightening.
Mostly I don't concern myself too much with it. For a Floor Moose of my proportions, a pack of dancers aren't much more of a threat than a group of wasted 8 year olds, all slappy and ineffective. But that being said there are some wildly dangerous stripper gangs out there which any sensible Floor Guy must respect if not fear.
What's that you say? You sense a famous StripperHerder list coming up?
Well aren't you just an astute motherfucker?
The World's Most Dangerous Stripper Gangs:
1) PMS13: Hands down the most violent, hostile and criminal stripper gang ever to ruin a titty bar. Composed primarily of latino girls, PMS13 will cut you cabrone heart out, yo, because they are muy loco, pendajo!
I don't know what it is about this demographic, but most of the grisly locker room slayings I've had to clean up in my career were the result of some dumb bitch getting 'cut out' by one or more hispanic dancers. The Consuela*1 green lighted a hit on her for poaching customers, selling coke on their turf or for wearing the wrong color thong. Most of these murders are never solved because we don't care enough to investigate.
2) Wist Cide Barbies: The gang with the most rigorous vetting program of all the Stripper gangs, one can only become a full fledged member if they're ridiculously blond and extremely hot. Brunettes and redheads can never be anything more than Associates, they'll never be 'made' Barbies.
The Barbies may not be the brightest bulb of the titty-gang christmas tree, but what they lack in thinky-power, they make up for in sheer blondness and the madness it inspires in many men. In a lot of clubs the Barbies dominate the economy despite the fact that they can't spell 'economy' without using a 'K' and three 'E's'.
This is Amurrika after all, intelligence, or lack of it, has never been an obstacle to success.
3) The Desolation Molly's: This is a relatively new gang on the scene but are quickly making a name for themselves by duking it out with anyone who thinks they're hard enoof. Molly's always have red hair. It may be natural or it may be the result of inadvisable cocktail of chemicals and dyes, but it's always lurid.
Molly's always have tattoos as well. Their flesh looks the the sides of ghetto beverage stores, seemingly painted at random by roving groups of disaffected future criminals. Reading a Molly's rib tats will often bring a sense of sorrow upon the reader because of the misplaced optimism scrawled there.
4) The MAMmoths: Doesn't matter if your nipples point at your toenails or, improbably, at the heavens, as long as your milk panzers are wildly oversized, you have a home with the MAMmoths. This gang is the natural enemy of Waifs everywhere and can frequently be found crushing some poor 80 lb dancer to death beneath their TITanic chest-weaponry .
The majority of the MAMmoths membership are 'older gals' who keep upsizing their implants whenever the drug budget allows. Many of them have wheelbarrows or titanium training legs to support their unnaturally huge lactose tankers.
5) The Match Waifs: The average 'Waif' weighs maybe 90 lbs when she's retaining water and has just had a large pasta dinner. They're tiny, skinny, small breasted and have no real ass to speak of. They draw their name from Victorian era preteen match girls who worked the filthy streets of London in the 1890's; starving and often murdered.
We have a large Match Waif presence at my club, probably 8-10 of them. Combined weight, after feasting on a chicken tender, about 180 lbs.
There are literally dozens of other stripper gangs I could address in this installment, but I have to go to work because you people won't pay me for writing this blog. Think about that when the all-too-brief pleasure of this short post runs out.
You fuckin think about that.
Beers,
-The StripperHerder
*1 Consuela: The local leader of a PMS13 chapter.
