Strippers don't think like rational human beings at all. I've witnessed this first hand many times and just when I think nothing can surprise me any more, some dazzlingly stupid dancer will prove me wrong. They are faced with a lot of adversity when it comes to making good decisions and the industry itself discourages girls from gaining independence,
In their quest to find a balance between being able to pay their bills and doing it in an industry that doesn't make them a drunk junkie whore, a dancer will encounter many obstacles. Chief among them are:
1) Dancers are often very young and therefore, naturally stupid. I was stupid when I was young, you were stupid when you were young and we (probably) didn't work a job that encouraged us to get hammered and naked for cash.
Think how hard a time you would have adjusting to any other occupation after you were able to make 6 digits a year by getting wasted, sexually objectified and offered all kind of drugs.
It's amazing that anyone gets out of this system alive or with a college degree for that matter.
2) Strippers don't pay taxes. They have tits and obviously feel that this is good enough. Entertainers on the other hand, do pay their taxes and that is because (in this context at least) they are smart strippers. Entertainers are the girls who use stripping as a means to an end, such as paying for college, or supplemental income that they invest wisely. They realize that claiming some if not all of their tips will count as provable income, thus raising their credit score and enabling them to obtain credit at non crippling interest rates.
Strippers, as opposed to Entertainers, never claim tips and gripe about how they can't get a car loan for anything more than $2500 at 29% interest. All they see is the cash they make and they can't fathom how someone who makes as much dough as they do, can't get credit. Strippers also run a much higher risk of getting audited by the IRS and when that happens they get fucked. Proper fucked.
3) Strippers are frequently on a lot of drugs. I'm not talking about weed here folks, all of them smoke weed. I'm referring to hardcore, debilitating, soul ravaging drugs. Now don't get me wrong here, I believe each and every person has the right to do whatever drugs they choose to do whenever they want to do them, provided they are willing to live/die with the consequences of their decisions.
I myself have done damn near every drug that didn't require a needle or crackpipe to do and have managed to come through all of it mostly intact (for all intents and purposes). I do however take exception to being around other humans who are whacked on heavy drugs and people doing drugs in my place of employment, so I get cunty about it whenever I get the opportunity to do so. I feel everyone should have the common courtesy to go out to their cars to do their drugs and not consume them in the club bathrooms.
So taking all these factors into account, and others I haven't even mentioned, let's see how you fare in your thinking compared to the average stripper.
Ready?
1) You've just made $1500 in a champagne room. Your rent is due, you have no car and your Victoria's Secret card is maxed out. You:
A) Go shoe shopping!
B) Pay the rent, save at least $400 toward a car and throw however much else you can spare at your credit card debt, while working as many shifts as you can for the next few weeks.
C) Suck off your landlord for free rent, buy enough coke to kill 3 lead singers and binge out for the next week then spend the rest on your useless, unemployed boyfriend/bebbydaddy.
D) Take 9 days off and return to work when you've spent all $1500 on anything besides your bills.
2) Despite you lower-than-average IQ you realize that you can't keep stripping forever. Although you don't really understand what 'exit strategy' means per se, you sometimes think that someday you might have to retire from the industry and will require other means of support. Your plan for that day is:
A) To marry a rich guy, even if he's Arab.
B) To overdose long before that happens.
C) To have earned a Master's degree in a meaningful and well paying field from your hard earned and rigorously budgeted Stripper days.
D) To get knocked up by an NFL Wide Receiver and get paid handsomely to raise his unwanted child.
3) You've been drinking a lot on the job lately and coupled with the unrelenting munchies you get from smoking idiotic amounts of weed and the resulting desire to sleep and watch TV that this engenders, you've put on quite a few pounds. You:
A) Say 'fuck this, my livelihood depends on my attractiveness' and start eating better and going to the gym.
B) Start doing meth because all the other meth girls are skinny
C) Buy bigger outfits and pay someone to shave your coochie when you can no longer reach it.
D) Just start dancing for black guys. Duh.
4) You're dancing for a guy in a private room when without any warning whatsoever he whips out his pecker. You:
A) Smack it like a wayward child and tell him not to take it out again.
B) Giggle, take it in your hand and offer a variety of sex acts for varying amounts of cash. State in no uncertain terms that you don't accept personal checks.
C) Leave the room immediately and tell a Floor Host who will either issue a warning or throw the fucker out. Either way you get your money because the rooms are paid for in advance.
Move on to next customer.
D) Wrestle it to the ground like an unruly ferret, punch the guy in his yam-bag and demand a tip.
5) Another dancer vultured a customer from you while you were on stage. You deal with this by:
A) Confronting the poaching dancer at your earliest opportunity and tell her how having a customer stolen from you in an underhanded fashion makes you feel. Use lots of hand gestures and upward inflections.
B) Corner the bitch in the dressing room and ruin her face with an aggressively wielded 6 inch heel.
C) Make a huge fucking scene in front of the whole club. Be sure to use lots of profanity, threatening postures and tears.
D) Do the same thing to her and smile while doing it. Whenever practical, tip the Floor Guys to ruin your adversary's night-they delight in it and are devious and ruthless when in your employ.
6) The Manager just fined you for breaking a rule you were well aware of but chose to ignore anyway because for some inexplicable reason, you think you're the shit. You respond to the fine by:
A) Crying to the point you piss yourself and then trying to hug the Manager when he rescinds the fine out of sheer disgust. It's not hard if you're drunk enough and you won't remember it the next day any way.
B) Call the club owner and whine and complain to him and threaten to quit. Owners want lots of dancers working at their clubs and are therefore extremely receptive to your groundless bitching.
C) Pay the fine and stop being a tedious cunt.
D) Completely ignore the fine and let the Manager know that you're completely ignoring the fine. Maybe raise an eyebrow or something to show your disdain. You know they always back down even as they tell all the other employees that they're going to fire you.
7) You've just attacked a much smaller dancer over $38 and it's become pretty obvious she's dead. You:
A) Call the Japanese business man that you service outside of the club. He will take the corpse off your hands discreetly and for a handsome profit. When questioned claim ignorance about slain dancer's whereabouts. Remember to clean blood spatter first.
B) Hide the body and contact your Uncle who is a high ranking Mobster/Aryan Brotherhood/Ghetto Kingpin/Archbishop and/or Russian/Latino Human Trafficker. Tip all potential witnesses generously and make sure to tell them about your Uncle...
C) Try to convince the House Mom to help you stuff her body down a shower drain.
D) Wash off the gore and go about your business. Pretty girls always get away with it.
8) A man who is clearly wearing a bullet proof vest under his polo shirt gets a dance from you. During that dance you:
A) Blow him immediately because he's law enforcement and your parents taught you to respect the police.
B) Offer him a dazzling array of sex acts for bargain prices.
C) Fail to do or even suggest anything illegal. Completely abstain from grinding your crotch against his like you're trying to start a fire.
D) Try to sell him cocaine.
9) Really bad strip clubs can be like a Supermax prison; the strippers band into gangs for both mutual survival and control of certain facets of the club economy. These various factions*1, like their correctional institution counterparts, can be extremely vicious when defending their turf.
Having learned that you inadvertently snaked one of the more feared Latina dancer's customer and she has sworn blood vengeance, you:
A) Flee town immediately. It's easier to just pack up and leave and start over again somewhere else than have to listen to rapid fire Spanish cursing and avoid dagger-like acrylic nails for the rest of your career.
B) Offer the Barbie Clan protection money. It's better than dying.
C) Bang the owner. All of your problems will just disappear.
D) Spike the bitches Patron with some rat poison. That will gain you respect in the yard.
10) Because you have a difficult time being original and enjoy the security, in and out of the club, of being a member of the herd, you decide to have the side of your torso tattooed with some deep, inspirational shit, yo. The message scrawled across you ribs and waist will be:
A) The names of your children and their birth dates. Because, you know, sometimes you forget about stuff.*2
B) The Serenity Prayer
C) Some crap about how sensual, mysterious and unique you are. With misspellings of course.
D) A list of high end luxury name brands.
So, how'd you do?
Since I'm not going to post the answers, you'll have to figure it out for yourself. Try some heroin maybe. It might make the answers more clear.
Gut Nite
-The StripperHerder
*1 Examples include: The Barbie Clan (With Assorted Non-Blond Extras), PMS-13: The Angry Latinas, The PsychoDyke Sisterhood, Eastern Eurotrollops, Drunk Loudmouth Italian Girls, The Needle Finger Janes, Association For The Advancement Of Plain Looking Bitches, SpeedShank Skanks, OG's (Old Gals)**
**A brief study in strip club gang culture will be the subject of it's own post in the near future. Way too good to pass up.
*2 As if the stretch marks weren't a clue.
