Classifying different kinds of strippers can be a real challenge because depending on how drunk and/or messed up on drugs they are, you may get several completely different strippers inhabiting the same body on any given week.
This brief study of dancer meta-types will attempt to shed some light on the varying species of stripper you may encounter withing the strip club ecosystem. Please bear in mind that even though most strippers have been domesticated to some degree, you will eventually cross paths with a wild stripper if you frequent clubs often enough.
While wild strippers are clearly a danger to everyone and everything around them, even apparently docile dancers can go all rutting-moose crazy on you at the slightest provocation. When in doubt remember these simple rules for interacting with a stripper you're not familiar with.
1) Always use caution when approaching or tipping an unknown stripper. Assume she's feral and work your way down from there.
2) When tipping a girl on stage it is recommended that you simply place the dollar on the stage in front of at first, rather than tipping in the garter or thong as this allows the stripper to become acclimated to your presence before you actually dare to touch her. They can be skittish and unwittingly put your eye out with their deadly 6-or-more inch spike heels when spooked.
3) Sometimes you should let them smell or lick your hand first.*1
4) Baiting reluctant strippers by pouring a small amount of tequila on the stage is not only frowned upon, but is indeed illegal in many states. Shame on you.
5) When introducing yourself to a stripper, point to yourself and say your name slowly and then state again it monosyllabically. "Hi, my name is Bryan. Brrrry. Annnn." Most strippers can usually grasp this within 3 or 4 tries but sadly their retention rate is less than 3% over the next 5 minutes.
6) Strippers who have been at it a while are exceedingly good at reading body language. In fact they rarely listen, care or indeed have any idea what you're talking about. They receive the majority of their information by tone of voice and body movement.
Kinda like zebras.
Stripper Meta Types
The Mantid: Mantid strippers are easy to spot because of their hunched over posture. Their heads stick out over their chests and their upper backs are unnaturally curved, forcing the shoulders down and inwards. As a result of years of this horrible posture, their titties are generally kind of weird and slightly down-pointing.
Mantids are terribly insecure and have appalling body image. Their entire condition is created by years of trying to fold in on themselves and thus be less noticeable. They rarely wear excessive jewelry, have piercings or much in the way of tattoos and generally just want to left alone and given money to either talk or go away.
See also: Self Hating Stripper, Depressing Chick and Forlorn Boobies
The Harpy: All harpies are drunks. They also usually possess very poor eyesight which is why they rely on echo-location to navigate the confines of whatever club they are currently haunting. Harpies are easy to identify by their loud screaming and mad cackling laughter. At first glance it appears they are merely haggard alcoholics staggering around trying to glom drinks, and they are.
What isn't so apparent is they use full volume vocalizations and the resulting echoes to find their way around since they are blind drunk and have the visual acuity of a mole to begin with.
Harpies are generally older dancers, most of whom are destined to die in fiery car crashes.
See also: Braying Snizz, Shrieking Sheila, Bitch That Shutteth Up Not (biblical) and Yappy Mouthed Horror Train
The Jekyll*2: A kind hearted, soft spoken stripper who is pleasant to be around, non annoying and all in all more naughty than whorey and more girl-next-door than jaded-street-predator. She is a smiling, delectable little treat to have perched on your lap.
Then she drinks her secret potion*3 and disappears into the bathroom.
What emerges is a screeching, violent whirlwind of rolling eyes and slurred insults, interspersed with multiple counts of assault and battery. The tiny waif-like creature who was, seemingly just moments ago, parked on your lap and chatting lightly about stuff you don't give a fuck about is now a raving, spittle-spraying monster bearing down on your good time like a malevolent iceberg stalking an unsuspecting ocean liner.
When a Jekyll goes into Hyde-Mode, nothing in its path will escape unscathed. A fully transformed Jekyll would kick an infant down a gully or throw a baby raccoon against a brick wall without the slightest hesitation if it had the gall to try being helpful.
Floor Turds everywhere has learned that the only desirable way to deal with a full blown Hyde running amok in your club is to flee in the opposite direction and spew misinformation madly. So when the frantic radio traffic starts coming in like 911 calls reporting Godzilla, you calmly say into your radio "Sorry, I'm on the shitter, man." and hope no one with a radio saw you running out the kitchen door.
The only things that differentiate a Jekyll from a Harpy is about 20 hard years in the industry and the weathered-oak like countenance this produces. That and the fact that Harpys are drunk before they even walk through the door whereas Jekylls have an incubation period, like a virus.
See also: 'Fuck! What is that bitch on?', 85 lb She Bears, Rage Gollum and 'It was attractive 3 minutes ago...'
The Weeble: When a dancer's guts protrudes farther than her breasts, she is known as a Weeble*4. Weebles desperately need to either lose some brat-belly or get some implants because her current shape, although more aerodynamic that the classic hourglass shape, is gross.
Disgust and prank dances will only get you so far in this industry. At some point you either have to make a change or quit.
See also: Unfortunately Breasted Cheesesteak Gobbler, Drive-Thru Lizard, and Chubby Skank
The Medusa: Seriously, what the fuck is up with this bitch's hair? It looks like a completely different organism is choosing, against all reason, to dwell on a bitch's head. Medusas' hair gives you the impression that if you, for some inexplicable reason, were to bring a litter of cute, frolicky puppies into a strip club and a Medusa were to sit opposite from you at a table, then the puppies would suddenly disappear one by one into the mass of aberrant protein the lives on the stripper's scalp.
There would be unpleasant crunching sounds, possibly some mewling of small animal pain, and the Medusa would look at you and burp.
If you value your freedom and sanity, only look upon a Medusa in the reflection of your cell phone's screen.
See also: Fright Weaved Ghetto-Beak, Bad Hair Year, and Drunk Bitch Who Got Rained On Then Tazed.
The Fawn: Like in the brutal world of nature, Fawns don't last long in the wild. They either grown into adults, or they are eaten by predators and therefore subsumed back into the ecosystem; cycle of life and so forth...
Fawns are easily identified by their total and utter lack of stage skills. They bumble around on the stage trying to mimic a more experienced stripper's moves and are pathetic and demoralizing to watch. They also tend to cling to the pole and rarely stray from the comfort and safety it provides. It's like alpha male of their herd, nothing can possible go wrong in its presence...
They are not so much stupid as they are incredibly gullible. Any Fawn who manages to stay in the business eventually develops either what passes for intelligence in the right light, or a rodent-like cleverness that is just as good for dealing with the drunk twats they feed off of.
See also: Three Day Lifespan, Larval Druggie, and Veal
The Dust Bunny: Amazingly stupid. You cannot even believe she got this far without a crash helmet and a an ID that says "Just Barely Not Retarded, But Treat As Such Just To Be Safe".
Dust Bunnies are the vacant eyed backbone of any strip club's workforce. At any given time at least a third of a titty shack's dance corps will be Dust Bunnies, whose very existence proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that there is indeed a higher power and he sorta likes us. Because if it were a crueler being, strip clubs wouldn't exist and these poor, cerebrally challenged muff-cretins would be either dead, property of a fiendish Arab oil baron, or U.S. Senators.
Here is an example of advanced Dust Bunny dogma:
A) I work with a dancer who thinks some girls have grotesquely enlarged inner labia that dangle below the general vuval area because the have been fucked too much. They (or at least this one stunning example) believes that having sex too often will stretch the labia minora to the point it looks like there should be plates in them.
I explained to her that while I don't have a vagina and all the related bits, that I was pretty sure that getting fucked all the time didn't have any thing to do with it and that it was, in fact, a genetic thing. If your Mom had giant crinklies, you're probably gonna have giant crinklies too.
I cited an example of course, although I'm sure it had little impact on her beliefs. I told her to look up a porn star named Nina Hartley.
Nina Hartley was one of the first porn stars I ever.......enjoyed pornography to. That was damn near 30 years ago. She recently returned to porn when the whole "Milf" thing went all crazy a few years back and is back to doing porn again (if she ever stopped, don't really know). And guess what? Despite the insane amount of cock she's had over a very long career, her naughty bits still look pretty much the same.
So if she hasn't developed drag-lip yet, it's a fairly logical conclusion that excessive screwing doesn't cause it. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
She countered by naming several porn stars I've never heard of*5 who apparently have unruly inner labia. I told her that I was almost positive that I watch more porn than her and while I agree that by my very exacting standards of pretty poonage, more girls than not have some degree of extraneous inner lipage, but that frequent sex has nothing whatsoever to do with it.
I failed to convince her of course, but she's an idiot so who cares?
See also: Thong Algae, Dumb As A Spoon, and If She Could Only Think With Her Breasts
So there it is. I feel like I'm done writing now.
Tune in next time when I touch upon the subjects of dealing with an insane manager and taking the highway to the danger zone.
May the Porn be with you,
-The StripperHerder
*1 I might be confusing this action with dogs, I sometimes make that mistake. Sorry, no one's perfect.
*2 Otherwise known as well.....the other guy. If you don't know who I'm talking about, then please stop reading this blog immediately and go read some classics for fuck's sake.
*3 Patron, chilled with lime.
*4 Weebles wobble, but contrary to popular belief, they also fall down.**
** If you don't have the slightest idea what I'm referring to here then you are either:
A) Under 35, or
B) Foreign
Which are equally bad.
*5 She claims to watch a lot of porn. Ha. Fucking amateur.
