Q. "How much smack could a stripper bang, if a stripper could bang smack?"
A. "A fuck of a lot."
We had a Pulp Fiction moment tonight. I thought for a minute I was going to have to drive a needle full of adrenalin through a stripper's chest plate and into her heart. Luckily for me we didn't have a needle full of adrenalin*1, and luckily for her we didn't have a needle full of adrenalin.
I didn't even have a marker on me...
I have come to the conclusion that I am not paid enough to do my job. On the other side of the coin, I'm not worth minimum wage at much of anything else.
Seriously, I suck at most stuff. I excel at trivia, eating, sleeping and very little else. And so far I've been unable to get anyone to pay me anything for doing any one of those things.
I can't even sell my super awesome sperm, which would bring height, brains and chisled good looks to any egg it managed to successfully storm*2. All because I don't have a college degree.
The sperm banks are depriving the world of my moderate above averageness all because I couldn't be bothered to go to college, much less graduate.
Seems a waste of all this genetic potential....*3
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One of the ways Floor Guys can make a few bucks in this industry is by selling a Bachelor Show. The structure of the show varies slightly from place to place, but basically amounts to getting the Bachelor on stage and humiliating/emasculating him in front of the whole club.
This is outrageously funny for his drunken friends, and a potential source of income for us. We have to sell the show at a higher price than what the club requires or we don't make any money, but at the same time we're not allowed to quote more than the minimum price.
So we have to be salesmen.
In other words a Bachelor Show at out club costs $125. Of that the "club" (owner) gets $95, and each girl receives a ten spot. DJ gets nada as do us Floor Shames. Therefore the last thing we want to do is sell a Bachelor Show for the minimum price.
What's the fucking incentive?
At every other goddamn club I've worked at there was a set money breakdown for each person in the transaction; the DJ got X amount, the dancers got X amount, the Floor Guys got X amount and the club got X amount.
Here its just the club that eats everything, with some crumbs tossed to the girls. If we're caught quoting over the listed price, we're fired. Just like that. The rumor is that the owner sends in Secret Shoppers occasionally to make sure that everyone is quoting the right prices. (Personally I doubt this since the owner can't be bothered to fix a fucking toilet seat, much less pay people to spy on his employees.)
All that being said we had a dancer recently who found out that a Floor Igor had made a $50 tip on a Bachelor Show. She couldn't take her prying whore nose out of our business long enough for us to make a fucking living. Keep in mind that said Floor Igor would've had to split this tip between 6 or 7 other bouncers, therefore she couldn't handle him making a paltry $7-8.
She is a fucking mobile cock-garage.
She insisted that the tip was hers and complained to a Mana-Jur that he had stolen her tip. (To keep this in perspective, just in the year I've been here us Floor Cunts have sold hundreds of Bachelor Shows, three quarters of which have included her. She is a Bachelor Show Specialist )
This girl has made an extra couple of grand this year alone because of the DJ and the Floor Wretches. And she has the nun-raping temerity to say that the tip is hers?
The Manager sided with the dancer and we lost the tip.
What's a StripperHerder to do?*4
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We have this chick, total hot commodity. Looks like an underage lolita which is kinda sick, yet widely popular. She is hot as fuck, hands down. I would like to bang nine kinds of crap out of her and would even consider scatterific stuff if it meant I could destroy all three of her holes*5 and we could both cry at the end of it.
Anyway this girl is a complete sweetheart, until the slightest little thing doesn't go her way. Then she becomes a petulant Grimsnatch*6 bent on destroying others peoples' happiness.
She never tips even though I've made her money several times. She's hot enough that if she could just conceal, for a fucking minute, what a superfluous little cunt she is, she would make money like a lemonade seller in Hell.
But her vapid personality, coupled with her obvious disgust of and scorn for the Working Classes, make her earning power a fraction of what it could be.
But even still, this stripper used to drive a crappy Focus around. Recently she bought a 40K Mercedes which she bragged that she bought for 27K cash.
Obviously cash she saved from not tipping Floor Hosts.
I can't see any reason she doesn't understand the connection between Floor Guys and Dancers other than the possibility she's dumb as she looks. She'll still come up to me sometimes and ask me where she should go to make some money. At these times I look at her calmly, my serene poker face betraying nothing.
But inside my skull my brain is slamming itself against its bony prison in a spirited attempt to force my body to slap everything good from this selfish bitch's world.
I'm unwilling to try to explain trickle down economics to her because it would require her to grasp the concept of thankfulness and mutual benefit.
I know nothing about her outside of the club but would be willing to bet that she's the spoiled rotten spawn of some wealthy and powerful shithead who paid very little attention to her as a child.
Or maybe too much attention. Who knows?
That is all for now, children. I'd like to take this time to thank the 5 people who donated some of their hard earned money to an underprivileged StripperHerder. Always remember: its not your fault that you're better than other people, do't let it get you down!
Tune in next week when I explain how to clear a toilet filled to the brim with toilet paper, feces, paper towels and discarded feminine hygiene products, share how I saved the world's ugliest dancer from the terrors of a moth and why drunk idiots need to drop more money on the floor for me to find.
Thank you for your patronage,
-The StripperHerder
*1 Yet we did have a convenient body of water....
*2 Along with a propensity towards obesity, a mediocre penis and an ingrained laziness like an ancestral back-riding monkey.
*3 Messy, messy potential.
*4 I'll tell you what we did, we nuked her Bachelor Show earnings.**
** Haha, fuck you bitch.
*5 Especially the yappy one.
*6 Grimsnatch: (grim snach)-A theoretically mythological creature related to both Syrens and Kracken but possessing neither melodious voice nor obvious tentacles.
Size/Type: Small to Medium/ Succubi
Hit Dice: 3D6+8
Initiative: +4
Armor Class: 18 (-1 size, +9 natural), touch 9, flat-footed 18
Base Attack/Grapple: +3/+12
Attack: Drink Toss/Bitch Slap
Full Attack: Boxcutter/Heel Stab/Bottle
Special Attacks: Unholy Scream/Summon Bouncer/Vomit
Special Qualities: Street Wise/Pickpocket/Blowjob
Saves: +6 vs. Affliction Shirts/ +4 vs. Drugs/ -5 vs. Father Figures
Abilities: Str 9, Dex 17, Con 124, Int 4, Wis -4, Cha 21
Skills: Grind +8, Spot Bouncer+6, Squeeze Cock +3
Feats: Resistance to Alcohol, Rhino Skin
Environment: Strip Club
Organization: Solitary or cluster (2-4)
Treasure: Vulnerable Bills in her Garter, especially when drunk.
Alignment: Chaotic Fuckall
