April Fucking Fools Day. What a fantastic invention. Obviously we were so bored before TV and the internet that we needed days like April Fucking Fools Day to keep ourselves entertained. I don't care how, why, when or where it started, all I know is that for as long as I've been alive it has annoyed the living shit out of me.
Its all in good fun, right? Fuck you, I still don't like it. Now get off my lawn you goddamn kids.
How about a 'Kick the Fuck Outta People Who Have Lied To You Day'? Why not? It would certainly be entertaining. We could all legally beat up politicians, lawyers, car salesmen, strip club bouncers and internet wind bags. Of which I've been three.
(Author's note: at this point of writing I had to go release some improperly reheated soft tacos back into the wild after an all too brief tour of my alimentary tract, thus completing the circle of life. This was exceptionally unpleasant, kind of like burning soft serve ice cream with sprinkles of remorse and shame)
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Now, on the assumption that there might be a person reading this at some point that doesn't actually know me personally, I'd like to tell you some stuff about me. I'm going to do this in an itemized fashion because its easier which should tell you the first thing you need to understand about me.
1) I Am One Lazy Motherfucker. Seriously. I am incredibly lazy. I spend my free time doing things that require I sit. I play online poker while I drink. I watch Netflix and Hulu while I drink. I play Panzer General while I drink. And I occasionally, when I can be bothered, write installments of this blog while I drink.
2) I Drink A Lot. I'm what's known as a high functioning alcoholic*. That means I can hold down a job, pay my bills and interact with other humans in a coherent and mostly nonviolent way. I can dress myself sort of, and I occasionally shower whether I need it or not.
Here's the wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_alcoholic
3) I Hate Hot Weather. I am not genetically engineered to withstand high temperatures and years of abusing my lungs and body have exacerbated the problem. My ancestral DNA was never designed to come within a 1000 miles of the Equator or live in a place not covered in snow for a minimum of 6 months.
There are several regressive cells in my brain that are constantly baffled by the lack of polar bear attacks.
4) I Am A Hypocritical, Judgemental Prick. Honestly. Within the privacy of my skull I'm even worse but I manage to moderate the output to society in general. My innate sense of self righteous indignation at behavior I witness every day makes me think that a lot of folks should be killed outright while a large amount of others should have a knee broken and a finger waggled in their face. Tell them to be a better person or go to the Mines of Sorrow or something.
I would've made a great Dark Lord.
5) I'm Done Writing This Installment. Really. I'm finished. I've revealed more than you deserve and now I must sop up the pain with a vodka mop and get on with being unproductive. Nothing isn't gonna do itself.
-The StripperHerder
*I knew the basics of HFA, but was amazed at how accurately most of the symptoms describe me. Its like I wrote them. Except for the 'using alcohol as a reward' thing. Its not a reward, its my God given right.
