OK, in case you're a new reader to this blog or you've just missed the subtle hints I've dropped in the past 3 years of writing this, I hate human beings. I really, really hate them. Most people are animated pieces of shit shambling through life oblivious to their own shitittude. When you add in alcohol and hot, naked chicks, the equation becomes nearly unbearable.
I seriously wish I could kill certain people with no repercussions. Why won't they let me?
Let me give you an example or two.
Fucking Detroit. It's no wonder this city is bankrupt, it's denizens are fucking idiots. Anyone who still lives there or feels any pride about it is obviously mentally deficient and thus it comes as no surprise that Detroit has fallen down the shit-chute.
We had a group come in tonight that featured a guy from the Motor City. This guy was a fucking moron. Most of our strippers were smarter than him. He kept losing the rest of his party every time he went to the bar because they were sitting on the main floor at a table and he couldn't recall where they were.
It's not like our club is the Minotaur's Labyrinth. It's a fucking square. The dimensions and layout of the club do not change like fucking Hogwart's Castle. It is absolutely the goddamn same from one minute to another and yet Mr. Detroit was constantly lost and baffled as if the rooms rearranged themselves while he wasn't looking.
Here's some friendly advice, if you're going to take a mongoloid out for a night on the town, keep a fucking leash on him or expect there's a fair chance he may be euthanized. It's probably for the best.
ATM's: I know they are fiendishly difficult to understand, much less use. They are certainly Satan's constructs and only genius level intellects or the insanely lucky can use them successfully. That being said, it's an ATM and even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then. If you can't figure out how to use an ATM, go home asshole.
It's not astrophysics. Even if you're drunk you still should be able to withdraw money by the third try. If you can't there's a pretty good chance you're as dumb as a condomful of goldfish and should've called it a night by now.
I hate people.
Then there was this charming couple. He was 5'6 and had a luxuriant lower back length pelt of hippie hair. She was 5'10 and frankly, could've done better. But her self esteem was nearly nonexistent, so she settled for dating a midget protein-rancher.
This unlikely couple meandered in and sat themselves at one of our Bottle Service Tables. These tables are reserved for groups that order bottle service, we let people know that by placing large placards on them that say "RESERVED FOR BOTTLE SERVICE AND VIP".
I saw a new (read:clueless) waitress take their drink orders and when she stepped away from the table I asked her if they had ordered a bottle and she said no. I told her that these table were reserved for that and that I was sure no one had told her that during her training.
She affirmed this; I smiled.
I went to the couple and said, extremely politely*1, "I'm sorry, this table is reserved for bottle service, I regret it deeply that you either didn't see the giant sign on it and/or just chose to ignore it and hope for the best. I'd be happy to find you a new table and direct the waitress to your new location."
They were non committal for the most part, probably because they were cooler than me, and then walked out of the club.
Fucking wah. Did'm big scawy booncer make'm moov fwom twable?
Take you, your luxuriant womanly hair, your miniscule stature and your bored, plain-looking giantess and go fuck yourselves silly, you pathetic little man. Like we need your $50.
Go suck a cock in Hell.
And did someone mention Bottle Service? Vodka-Tampon certainly heard it. I told you before that this bitch has magic powers of alcohol detection. She could be in the fucking dressing room and if someone orders a bottle, her Stoli-Sense goes off and within 60 seconds what passes for her ass is sitting at that table, crushing their bottle like it's a sailboat taking on a German battleship.
She fucking absorbs alcohol. It's amazing to watch. There were 8 guys in the group that ordered a bottle of Belvedere and I'd be shocked if any of them got more than two drinks before Vodzilla destroyed it like a liquid Tokyo. The bitch can knock back some stiff drinks, y'all.
Then, just to make my night super-riffic....
I'm cashing girls out at the end of the night, i.e. collecting the money for their dance and having them sign their receipt. I can hear her slurring some retarded nonsense over my shoulder as she waited her turn and was really looking forward to having to deal with her.
First off she had already talked to the Manager, Sir Lactose Unforsakable Heimlich VIII, and he knocked $25 off her house fee. So then she reels up to me and slurs something imcomprehensible and through years of having to deal with her I'm able to interpret her as inquiring about how much she owes.
I said that the Manager had already knocked $25 from your house fees and you did 3 dances, so you owe $40. She stuttered at me that she'd only done 2 dances, which was a difference of 5 goddamn measly dollars, but I had already entered it in the computer and so I needed a Manager to void it out and correct the amount.
All my primal senses were screaming to end her right there. "She's a danger to the village!", they insisted. I agreed, but as a civilized man I could not bring myself to throttle her purple and lifeless although it would be for the greater good.
The Greater Good.
So I let her live and I made a hair over a hundred bucks tonight. Whoopee!
Go, go, Vodzilla!
-The StripperHerder
*1 I was in a good mood tonight.
