Bachelor parties are an inevitable evil in the titty club business. It's not like you have to have them, but you're going to get them no matter what. The bachelor parties (from hereafter I'll simply call them 'shitglobs') that go to strip cubs are like the little league of bachelor parties. In other words they never have any real money and they don't know how to do it.
The pros are they guys you never see in the clubs. These guys know that you're going to get way more bang for your buck if they have the strippers come to them. When strippers do private shows like these, they do crazy shit. I've done security for girls that do this and let me tell you, it may cost a few extra bucks, but goddamn it's worth it.
Here's a brief list of some of the insane crap I've witnessed strippers do at private shows:
1) Attack each other's vaginas with dildos in an exuberant fashion.
2) Drive remote control cars with dildos attached to them into each other's baby-chutes.*1
3) Invite dudes to pour hot wax on their various naughty bits
4) Suck off a roomful of guys, one at a time
5) Insert an entire produce section's worth of assorted vegetables into every available orifice, gleefully.
6) Some heinous butt stuff followed by a rectal prolapse.
For the most part us Floor KaNiggets don't generally make much money from shitglobs, but we can't seem to stop them from coming in and it's still illegal to machine gun them, so we try to make the best of it. Honestly if all the shitglobs in the world were to start NOT coming to strip clubs anymore, I could care fucking less. It would just mean that my Saturday nights got less douchey and, quite possibly, more lucrative.
If I had to estimate I would say that maybe 1 in 8 or so shitglobs tip a Floor Troll something to make their bachelor's night special. Fuck em. Most of the income generated by these unholy shitglobs goes straight into the owner's pocket, the guy who needs it least and never has to deal with these walking jizz-mebas.
CANADIANS
You know them, you love them. It's almost impossible not to like Canadian people. They're fun loving, hard drinking little rascals who just want to go out and get drunk and say 'eh' a lot while generally being polite as fuck about it. They're what I picture Americans being like if the US had slightly better beer, no guns and rap had never been invented.
They're fuzzy, kinda like busy, alcoholic squirrels always scampering about and whatnot. You gotta love em.
So anyway I picked up a group of 15 or so of the mischievous little devils the other night and dear lord let me tell you, I have never seen a more disorganized rabble of a shitglob in my life. These poor bastards had no effective leadership, which is (believe it or not) essential for the running of a proper shitglob. Their leader was weak and had no respect, and without respect you have no power.
I actually felt bad for the guy. He got heckled like a bad comedian and second guessed at every turn. At one point a mutiny seemed so imminent that I checked that the sawed off under my seat was loaded because I feared that having deposed their ruler, they would make an attempt on the helm.*2
But they ended up just arguing a lot and having me shuttle them to a bar that was closed and then back to the club and then back to another club which turned out was NOT the club their driver was supposed to meet them at and ultimately, to the actual club they were supposed to go to. They tipped me a 20 initially, but fagged out after all the confused bullshit and only followed up with a 5.
I expected and deserved better, Canada. I am very disappointed.
As a total aside, here's my 100% favorite thing a customer can ask me when I'm wandering around the floor.
Customer: "Hey man, can you help me find my friend?"
Me: (laughing) "Sure man. What's his name and what does he look like?"
Customer: "Um. His name's....um....Tom(?) and he's kinda like average height, is wearing a plaid shirt and has hair."
Me: (looking around at 300 or so guys about 75% of which match that description) "Oh, there he is over there."
And when they turn around to look where I'm pointing I sneak away and have a smoke.
Fuck I love that. Only someone exceptionally drunk or exceedingly stupid would even ask a question like that. And that, dear readers, is my job in a nutshell.
3 Days Grace
I had the misfortune to work a show featuring the awesome rock band 3 Days Grace a few days ago. I didn't really know who they were because I enjoy good music and not cliched, felchy hard rock. I never realized how many songs these drivelly pricks were responsible for until then. I have been subjected to many of they're heartfelt commercio-rock in the clubs over the years, but never knew who did them until I worked the show.
Holy fuck they're shit. They're like Nickelback with a bit less creativity and slighty heavier guitar. They have emo-twat hair except for the guitar player but he wore eyeliner so it all equaled out.
They were even people moshing to this tripe. No seriously, moshing. What a bunch of dewy-eyed fuckwits.
What I will say about this band and you can construe this any way you like, they had the highest ratio of wasted fat chicks I have ever seen at a rock concert. It's as if all of their CD's came with 180 wings and a crate if Ho-ho's.
The crowd was literally riddled with annihilated hefty gals. I don't understand, or forgive.
"I love Fried anything!"
Fuck you, 3 Days Grace.
My manager, Sir Arnolf Battledome O'Metal IX, although very professional, made his opinion evident whenever he came to yell at me for being lazy. He fucking hates the shit out of them too.
Cheers,
-The StripperHerder
*1 Totally awesome, by the way.
*2 I don't really have a sawed off under my seat.**
**I have two.
