7:00 PM: Arrive at work feeling refreshed and ready to make some money.
7:05 PM Sweep up last night's and today's cigarette butts and miscellaneous garbage laying around the front entrance because the day guy couldn't be bothered for the 412th day in a row.
7:15 PM Finish sweeping
7:16 PM Become bored, have cigarette.
7:22 PM Finish smoke, the butt of which I properly dispose of. Resume boredom.
7:25 PM Wonder what it's like to jump off a 60 story building into a wire net and cube myself onto the sidewalk below.
7:30 PM Picture punching this dancer I hate in the jaw and watching her drop like a sack of dirty laundry.
7:31 PM Smile to myself.
7:32 PM Resume boredom, go for another smoke.
7:39 PM Properly dispose of cigarette butt, drink energy drink.
7:48 PM Urinate in a urinal rather than all over the floor which is apparently the choice of drunk dicks everywhere.
7:56 PM Daydream of returning to the wild, regrowing my coarse pelt of reddish hair and scaring hikers for fun.
8:03 PM Resume boredom, wander outside and scan the sky for the possibility of a 747 crashing into the building.
8:04 PM Return inside deeply disappointed by the lack of an air disaster.
8:05-8:13 PM Wander aimlessly around the club making fun of our 8 customers in my head.
8:14 PM Smile vaguely, wander back outside for another smoke.
8:21 PM Finish smoke and throw cigarette butt on the ground figuring I'm the one who'll have to sweep it up 2 days from now when I work again.
8:30 PM Jot down thoughts on my last will and testament on a bar napkin.
8:35 PM Greet a pair of twat-snufflers as they come through the doors.
8:36 PM Check ATM for stray twenties.
8:49-8:53 PM Go into bathroom stall and cry quietly.
8:55 PM Have another smoke, throw butt on ground.
9:01 PM Recoil in horror from the embarrassingly dilapidated tits of the girl on stage.
9:02-9:08 PM Curl up in corner and rock back and forth repeating "Bad titties no hurt me!"
9:12 PM Crack joke about mid-belly nipples to a co-worker who is highly amused at my cleverness.
9:13 PM Resume boredom, decide to try crack.
9:14 PM High as fuck.
9:19 PM Not high anymore, must get more crack.
9:22 PM Have after-crack smoke, throw butt on ground disdainfully.
9:27 PM Hit up dancer for more crack, smack her when she says she doesn't have any.
9:28 PM Become agitated. So itchy.
9:31 PM Wander onto the patio and offer to blow someone for some crack with negligible success.
9:40 PM Suffer crack withdrawals.
9:41 PM Totally over crack, decide it was a bad idea and only shitty people do crack.
9:53 PM Wander around club with my fly open just to see if anyone notices.
9:54 PM Zip up fly, disappointed. Again.
9:59 PM Go outside, have cigarette. Throw butt at asshole cabby.
10:03 PM See really hot dancer, wonder what her vulva looks like.
10:04-10:17 PM Still picturing the manifold possibilities of hot girl labial schematics.
10:18 PM Resume boredom. Contemplate suicide.
10:23 PM Have another smoke, bullshit with Manager.
10:38 PM Feel strange sensation in chest which turns out is called 'hope' as many customers start arriving.
10:39-11:26 PM Observe customers populating our floor.
11:27 PM Feel hope die within me as I realize everyone's a worthless piece of shit.
11:33 PM Get stuck at Counter, counting dances with a mounting fury.
11:34-11:38 PM Shitty computer crashes, resets itself.
11:39 PM Anger level visibly rises.
11:40-11:44 PM Shitty computer crashes, resets itself.
11:48 PM Lash out at latino stripper who can't count to three, has never been able to count to three and will never be able to count to three.
11:49 PM Scratch off one of the SAME latino stripper's dances because it's literally either that or slay her gruesomely where she stands. I am tired of having to see her brown butthole.
11:53 PM Still signing in girls whose idea of a work day is 2 1/2 hours.
11:55-11:59 PM Shitty computer crashes, resets itself. Scream at Manager over microphone to fix the motherfucking computer.
12:01 AM Call for someone to take my place while I have smoke.
12:03 AM Go outside, have smoke. Get annoyed by a trio of 21 year olds, one of whom's birthday it is. Throw cigarette away half smoked and go back to the fucking Counter because it is preferable to strangling two 21 year olds to death while I terminally headbutt the third. Possibly screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", all the while.
12:12 AM Argue with a fucking cunt because she starts dancing in the middle of a song and through to the middle of the next one and expects me to realize she'd only done one song when I had marked her for two. I patiently explained to her that she's not supposed to start dancing in the middle of a goddamn, motherfucking song for this very reason and could she please refrain from doing so in the future.
12:13-12:17 AM Shitty computer crashes, resets itself. Eye starts twitching uncontrollably.
12:18 AM Find an empty dance stall, cry a little bit more. Just a few quick tears of rage.
12:23 AM An already mediocre crowd starts thinning.
12:28-12:32 AM Shitty computer crashes, resets itself.
12:33 AM I feel my fingers lengthening, my fur growing and my snout extending. "Dear God" I think to myself, "NOT NOW!"
12:34 AM Just kidding, though I did picture becoming a werewolf and raping or maiming anything I could catch.
12:37 AM Realize it's been 34 minutes since I had a cigarette, radio for backup.
12:40 AM Sweet lady nicotine blows me on the patio, it feels great. Experience somewhat tarnished by fuckbag patio dwellers.
12:42 AM Clean up vomit in the dance room because some amateur cunt couldn't make it to the bathroom.
12:43-12:47 AM Attempt to sign out dancer; computer crashes, resets itself. A vein in my temple starts throbbing.
12:48 AM Choke a small customer to death in the darkness of the dance room. Stuff his corpse under a couch and hope he doesn't smell bad enough to cause concern within the three days it will take our security recordings to reset.
12:54 AM Discover that despite 11 credit card transactions the Floor Knaves have run, not a single tip has been recorded.
12:55 AM Abandon my post and got out and have a smoke. Soothing nicotine washes away immediate need to kill again.
12:55:13-12:55:28 AM Feel remorse for slaying small stupid customer.
1:03-1:07 AM Shitty computer crashes, resets itself.
1:10 AM Attempt to sign out a dancer. Idiot dancer doesn't mention she has free house fees before I punch them into the computer. Take deep breaths, call Manager to fix problem.
1:11-1:15 AM Shitty computer fucking crashes again. Motherfucking cunty fucking computer is going to get fucking smashed next time it crashes, so help me God. Motherfucking shitty computer resets itself.
1:16 AM Bite off own tongue in a blur of frenzied violence, it is uncomfortable yet I can no longer hurl epithets coherently, so kind of a mixed outcome really.
1:20 AM Thankfully, tongue regenerates. Spit blood-froth on especially hated dancer and display my genitals defiantly like a dominant baboon.
1:26 AM Eat several babies.
1:30 AM Have cigarette. Enjoy cigarette. One hour closer to death.
1:47 AM Drag 2 customers out by their faces, felt like I should grab their brains via the anus and pull sharply backwards, am prevented from doing so by 4 other Floor Knobs, 1 Manager, 1 Bar Back, 1 Off Duty Cop and 2 Drunk Whores.
1:48 AM Murmur apology and wander around to the side of the building where I, you guessed it, have a smoke.
1:49-1:53 AM Shitty computer crashes, resets itself.
1:54 AM Done. I am done trying to sign strippers out. Fuck you, you do it. Don't make me kill again.
2:12 AM Last call for alcohol. Like any of you faggots need it.
2:25 AM Pull alcohol out of terrified, unresisting fingers. DO NOT break bottles and start laying about you with handfuls of broken glass. That is bad. Baaaaadddddd. You're a bad StripperHerder.
2:30 AM "Get. Out" Fucking now.
2:40- 3:15 AM Do fucking janitor stuff. Do a portion of everyone else's job, collect your sixty measly fucking dollars in tips and go home.
3:31 AM Pour alcohol down throat and write this stupid bullshit.*1
Tell your babies.....
-The StripperHerder
*1 8:03 AM: Lose at poker, make pancakes, eat pancakes, write this footnote, go to bed.
