I got Farrah from a Tumbleweave rescue facility about 15 years ago. She's as much a part of my family as my siblings or parents and my life has been richer since she I found her.
relation to the Dust Bunny than to the Tribble.
Tumbleweaves are often regarded as a nuisance species, like rats or rappers. But in reality are highly intelligent, surprisingly dynamic and very loving pets. Not a lot is known about them; their lifespans, their mating rituals or where they migrate to every three years. There are a zoological curiosity that merit further study.
Initially I knew almost nothing about Farrah except that she was rescued from a strip club in Indiana where she had been tied to a broom handle and used as a mop for two years by a sadistic, cheapskate club owner. Sadly this is a fate common to indigenous tumbleweaves but their plight remains largely unchampioned due to the fact that "science" has yet to acknowledge their existence.
Over the years I have discovered a lot of evidence that Farrah hadn't always been a downtrodden strip club mophead. In fact she has lead an incredible life and if the evidence can be believed, she's over 150 years old and still going strong.
Sure I get a lot of funny looks walking her at the dog park, but I'm a gigantic guy walking around a tiny puff of animated hair, it's to be expected. Some people who look at me would expect me to be walking around a grizzly bear or something, not an excitable clump of weave smaller than my shoe.
Honestly I can't believe some of the things I've uncovered about Farrah while researching her past. If the evidence is credible, then I believe she may very well be immortal, or at least extremely long lived and capable of astonishing self regeneration. I'm not sure if she actually eats strippers, or just collects their cast off hair. I've never seen her eat one and haven't ever come across any odd bits of leftover stripper pieces littering my apartment.*1
But I digress. The fact is I have found out so much about Farrah, that I can't possibly cover even a fraction of her amazing and frequently bizarre story in a single installment. So for this post I'm going to focus on her years in the film industry and her brush with fame in the music business.
During her long and intermittent Hollywood career, Farrah did just about everything there is to do for the film industry. She's done lighting, set design, editing, worked as an extra and a stuntweave, and even had a producer credit on the unwatchable live action Masters of the Universe movie from 1987.
According to Farrah, that's a cousin of hers on the little dude's head.
One of Farrah's earliest onscreen appearances. She didn't get a speaking role because the director didn't care for her weird accent, yet her screen presence is undeniable. Although being in The Karate Kid (1984) didn't immediately lead to other extra work, it did kindle a passion for the martial arts that she's pursued with varying results ever since. I feel that if she just had limbs, she could be a formidable fighter despite her almost complete lack of mass.
Farrah was much larger back then, but it was the 80's and she is, after all, hair.
Perhaps the role that gave Farrah the most visibility while ironically being one she never got any credit for was when she played Jim Carrey's hair in 1994's Ace Ventura:Pet Detective. It was a demanding role and
Farrah played it so well, no one even knew she was there.
Being a stunt double can be frustrating work. You take all the risks for some pampered actor who will make a hundred times more that what you will and any screen time you get will be portraying that same pansy ass actor. The only mention you'll get is in a block of names under 'stunts' towards the end of the credits when there's no one left in the theater. Still, it pays pretty good and Farrah was one of the best.
Whenever a star's hair was in jeopardy, they called in Farrah. She actually doubled for Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies whenever a scene featured sparks or pyrotechnics of any sort. Turns out the big bad wookie is terrified of fire and would go berserk anytime something sparked.
I would post a picture of it but have been warned by Lucasfilm's legal team that I would do so without their express written consent and that litigation would follow.
So instead, here's a pre-editing shot of Farrah stunt doubling for Billy Connally in 1999's sleeper hit, The Boondock Saints. It would be Farrah's final gig in the movie industry and she moved east shortly thereafter.
Farrah's talents don't just lie in the movie making business, here's an extremely rare promo pic of Kiss from 1973, just before they began their climb to the top. Officially Farrah left the band amicably due to 'musical differences', but off the record she told me it was because she wasn't Jewish. She was drunk when she said it and refuses to discuss her time in Kiss any further, so I'll never know if it's true or not.
Tune in next time where I will make a very credible case for Farrah being at least 3000 years old, reveal some more startling evidence and authentic, undoctored photos.
Until then, I remain, your faithful herder,
-The StripperHerder
*1 When I got her from the shelter, the lady said Tumbleweave's feed on a diet of small denomination bills lightly dusted with narcotics, fingernail clippings, cheap hair spray, skin and sperm cells, lice and other small parasites and other Tumbleweaves. She also warned me that Tumbleweaves are extremely territorial and will attack and attempt to murder any other mostly weightless, wind-bourne objects that blow through their domain.
*2 Thank you to Greg H., my researcher. I owe you a debt of gratitude for your diligent work unearthing Farrah's past.
