I had started this installment out completely different. I was self basting in hatred and contempt for my fellow human and really letting my feelings bleed all over the page. Then I realized that it's Christmas, a holiday I don't give a shit about but decided to go with something completely different, in the spirit of.
So the original beginning to this post will now be this footnote.*1
As a result the hatred, scorn and vitriol you would've normally experienced here has been replaced with something more appropriate to this traditionally jolly time and my occupation.
I give you:
The StripperHerder Christmas Carols
1) The 12 Days of Christmas.
On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
A Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the second day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie.
On the third day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Four Convulsing Sluts
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Five Bags of Smack
Four Convulsing Sluts
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Six Johns' a Jizzing
Five Bags of Smack
Four Convulsing Sluts
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the seventh day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Seven Lawsuits Pending
Six Johns' a Jizzing
Five Bags of Smack
Four Convulsing Sluts
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the eighth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Eight Doctors Spending
Seven Lawsuits Pending
Six Johns' a Jizzing
Five Bags of Smack
Four Convulsing Sluts
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the ninth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Nine Ho's Complaining
Eight Doctors Spending
Seven Lawsuits Pending
Six Johns' a Jizzing
Five Bags of Smack
Four Convulsing Sluts
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the tenth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Ten Teat's a Leaking
Nine Ho's Complaining
Eight Doctors Spending
Seven Lawsuits Pending
Six Johns' a Jizzing
Five Bags of Smack
Four Convulsing Sluts
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the eleventh day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Eleven Vice Cops Searching
Ten Teat's a Leaking
Nine Ho's Complaining
Eight Doctors Spending
Seven Lawsuits Pending
Six Johns' a Jizzing
Five Bags of Smack
Four Convulsing Sluts
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Twelve Tough Guys Swinging
Eleven Vice Cops Searching
Ten Teat's a Leaking
Nine Ho's Complaining
Eight Doctors Spending
Seven Lawsuits Pending
Six Johns' a Jizzing
Five Bags of Smack
Four Convulsing Sluts
Three Barf Piles
Two Soiled Thongs
And a Cum Sock in a Onesie
Just like Grandma used to sing.
And then there's this Classic*2
Do You Hear What I Hear?*3
Said the Floor Host to the Stripper
Do you see what I see?
(do you see what I see?)
A wad of cash in that fucker's hand
Do you see what I see?
(do you see what I see?)
Some dough, some cheese
In that Douchebag's mitt
Go earn you some of it
Then tip me some of it
Said the Manager to the Stripper
Do you hear what I hear?
(do you hear what I hear?)
Ringing through the air, you deaf cunt
Do you hear what I hear?
(do you hear what I hear?)
Your name, your name
called by the DJ
Get your ass on the fucking stage
Get your fat ass on the stage
Said the Manager to the Floor Host
Do you know what I know?
(do you know what I know?)
I can destroy you with a fucking word
do you know what I know?
(do you know what I know?)
Your soul, your soul
blackens by the day
You'll be just like me some day
You'll be worse than me some day
Said the Owner to his underlings
Listen to what I say
(listen to what I say)
Pray for death people underfoot
Listen to what I say
(listen to what I say)
Your jobs, you jobs
Fucking mine to take!
Thirst for cash cannot be slaked
My thirst for cash can't be slaked
MY GODDAMN FUCKING ROTTEN ASSHOLISH THIRST FOR MONEY CAN'T BE SLAKED!
MOWWA-FAKKA.
This was 3 hours work I'm ashamed to admit. Sure I took a 15 minute break to gaze upon a bleak fantasy football landscape and scowled at what I saw, clawing desperately at the $500 prize, but still it's been a rough road, creatively speaking.
And the only reason that is is because I'm middlin level drunk, and concentration is difficult when you're recreationally buzzed.
Therefore I tend to cheese out with endings like this.
Advent-Guard,
-The StripperHerder
*1 I gave myself an award today. I felt I deserved it. They say that every now and then you should do something nice for yourself and seeing as how the last time I 'splurged' on anything, it was a 5 pack of boxer briefs and 3 new pairs of socks, I felt that giving myself a fictitious medal with no prize whatsoever wasn't out of line.
You see, today I achieved two things, I failed to push a bitch out of my moving car and I completely failed to crush an asshole's windpipe.
"Fuck" you say, "you fail to do those things virtually every weekend, what made tonight so special?"
The difference is that tonight I really wanted to do both of those things. I wanted to reward myself with hurting a couple of deserving fuckwads. I wanted to laugh at their pain and dismay and then, possibly, run amok throughout the club beating random people. I wanted to bathe in innards while howling my fury at the uncaring sky, shaking fistfuls of purple wobbly bits at the indifferent moon.
But no. Once again I forced myself to just be a giant prick instead.
SO much less satisfying....
Why this visceral hate Mr Herder? Well kids, pull up a chair and let Uncle Herdy tell you.**
** So typical. It embarrasses me but I throw it into the clearing anyway.
*2 I was originally going to do 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer' as 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Stripper', but then decided it would be far too much effort.
*3 For a version of this song that sucks, see this video. It's not like she has a bad voice, it's just not as good as a lot of other singers and her style is kinda twatty.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1GdDW-3Gwc
