Here's the deal. We had an unusually busy Wednesday night tonight. A group of businessmen came in that had just closed some big deal and were in the mood to celebrate. They chose 4 of our dancers, 3 of which were straight up white trash and spent roughly 8K on these worthless jizz sponges. Then another drunk idiot let 2 dancers split a $2300 tip.
The bottom line is I had 4 strippers walk out with over a grand each and another 5 or 6 walk out with well over $500. There were only 2 of us Floor Orcs and we managed to make over $600 on credit card tips alone. Yet at the end of the night when we divvied up all of our tips, we walked with around $370 each.
So basically 25 dancers, some of who made good money, only accounted for about $140 in tips. A couple of the 'over a grand' girls gave me $5 when I walked them out and another of the 'over $500' didn't tip at all.
Now I'm not a greedy man. I believe I've covered this pretty well in my last couple of posts, I live on the margins. $50 is a lot of money to me and that's sad. But for a bitch to make $1300 and tip a fiver is fucking insulting.
I hope they get raped or robbed in the parking lot. $5 is not enough for me to foil a crime.
So in the spirit of soon to be drunken anger, here's a rundown of the niggurdly strippers I had to deal with tonight.
Eyebrows: Dumb slut thinks shaving her eyebrows and painting on new ones doesn't make her look disturbing, like some kind of titty-clown with shitty tattoos. She is 100% wrong about this of course, she is a creepy, alcoholic drab who's only noteworthy feature is her ass, which is pretty nice. Shame that it's been ruined by her recently freed from prison ghetto boyfriend, who since his release only wants anal sex apparently.*1
The silver lining for me is that she'll probably contract AIDS soon, or some disfiguring social disease.
I feel no remorse about this statement.
Flabby: Conniving hood slattern. Used to have a decent body but then had some gangster's spawn so now she's all baby-wasted and droopy. Still talks a good game however because she gets guys to spend money on her, money she doesn't use to tip well. Probably spends it on ice cream, shaving lotion and being a piece of shit with brat-ravaged udders.
Princess Toadface: Looks like a toad, moves like a toad, all warty and small. She actually didn't make good money tonight, but rarely does because no one wants an amphibian to grind on them, all morbidly cold and doughy.
Thought I'd throw her in here because I hate her too.
Chewbitcha: This is a giant, hairy bitch. I'm not kidding you. I have no idea why she works here except that maybe the managers are terrified of firing her. If forced to fight her, which I'm unabashedly frightened of doing, I would never enter into it without a substantial weapon, such as a table leg, a small stripper, or preferably an ED2000.
That being said, management thought sending her out customer-hunting with me on the bus would be a grand idea. I disagreed of course but kept my opinions to myself. Whereas other strippers I had done this with would call out to dudes walking along the sidewalks things like "(all sexy and shit) Hey guys, what are ya doin to night?" Or, "Come to the club and watch me dance!"
Chewbitcha went with a different approach. As we crept up on unsuspecting guys walking down the street, she would open the window and start roaring "I GOT FREE PASSES, MOTHERFUCKERS!"*2 And I was treated with views of similarly dressed dudes running away or diving for cover.
It was fun but unproductive.
Imnottawhora:*3 Seriously, she only gives over-the-pants handjobs. That's totally not at all a sexual act as defined by Bill Clinton, who was like famous or something. Nice enough girl, just very delusional. She was working this dude's wang like a sock puppet, but was somehow totally not a whore while she was doing it.
Still like her. She's a Silver Level tipper.
Fever-Bottom: This latina midget is a filthy, lying little cutthroat warbling snatch-lesion. She opened an unholy portal of Floor Giant wrath tonight and I will fuck her money so hard her village will starve or at the very least lose it's Dish Network.
You done fucked up, sweetheart.
Matilda Grimhole: Are you goth or are you emo? Fucking pick one. The cut marks are hot, by the way, nothing is more appealing to the average guy than a girl who utterly hates herself and every she's become. Ram some more bits of metal through your various bits and hurl yourself into a 747 engine. Do us all a favor.
Fuck already.....
TinySnobBarbie: Haughty Cock-Garage. That's all you are. The kind of girl who fucks poolboys because your family could afford to have them. You are cute at best but your rotten, twatty attitude drops you 3 points instantly. I hope you are haunted by the restless spirit of the identical twin you probably strangled in the womb.
Fuck. I think I've done enough here, but I'm going to check just in case.
No. No I haven't.
Here's more bitches.
Valkyie-something: "You vill surrender you your funny money now!" Try keeping your money from this monolithic blond bombshell carved from Nordic myth. Guys line up to give this Goddess their money and pride. She arrives at work on an ornate 2 ton palanquin carried by 60 willing and enthusiastic volunteers. They say even her periods are like a gentle rain of Cherikee Red.*4
Nothing can stop her. She'll make shoes or a stylish clutch out of your naughty bits.
Doesn't tip shit. Hopes she gets Kerriganned by a jealous rival.
Mastadon Mary: Her toenails were carbon dated at 350 years, but we have reason to suspect she may be far older. Her turkey wattles are cleverly concealed by a turtleneck onesie, and a crack team of special effects men have perfected her production time at less than 3 hours per 6 hour shift. Pretty impressive considering all the prosthetics involved.
The concept of modern money is beyond her when it comes to tipping and over the years I've received from her, as gratuities:
1) A handful of tiny seashells.
2) A Wampum belt she wove from sequins hacked off a black stripper's outfit.
3) Two freshly slain and gutted hares.
4) A hubcap from an AMC Pacer engraved with the history of her people.
5) Two sticks and a small pouch of fire moss.
6) A petrified molar on a catgut string.
"I have, at last count, four sets of labia or pseudo-labia. But I should check again soon, you never know..."
OK, on that note, I'm done. Gotta work soon, probability of calling off tomorrow at around 63%. Expect number to climb, substantially so if successful at poker.
Please enjoy reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it. Maybe mention it in passing to some person you know with poor taste in humor. I can't escape this persistent feeling that I should have more than 216 Facebook followers. It's like knowing a Bigfoot is watching you when you're out in the woods. You can't see it but motherfucker you can feel it's inhuman eyes all over you and your neck hair gets all standy and shit.
It's disconcerting.
-The StripperHerder
*1 These are the conversations I'm subjected to.
*2 She didn't actually say 'motherfuckers', but she may as well have. Folks were scared.
*3 Though it sounds vaguely Egyptian, her family actually hailed from Lower Sluttia, a dirt poor little province in what would become eastern Germany, widely considered to be the Early European version of a trailer park where marrying out of your bloodline was considered posh.
*4 It's a cherry soda, for those of you on the coasts who know and suspect nothing of our many clandestine pop brands.
