Status Report From Operative #9509, Codename: 'Widdle Milk-Paws'.
My new assignment is a real gem, living with a giant carpet-ape I refer to as "Puddin-Belly"*1 for the plushness of his midsection. Apparently this enormous, stupid bastard has never had a cat in his life and thus is utterly ignorant of our true purpose on this lame planet or even his own glaring inferiority to our species.
The Feline Council has code named him "Blog Author #819,624" and tasked me with monitoring his activities and planning possible containment/sanction scenarios based on what I witness.
I may very well be ordered to cancel his ass at some point, but will try to make it quick. I don't enjoy killing thumb monkeys because of all the screaming and blood, but sometimes it's just part of the job. You do it, never look back and move on to the next case.
Don't get attached. Remember, it's just a biped.
Although this one is clearly of subpar intellect, he is not an unkindly house mate and scores some great nip which he doles out daily. Love that shit. I've noticed he has his own private stash as well, but it's clearly a different variety for the smell is completely different from mine.
I wish he'd share some of that with me.
He's also totally oblivious to certain nip protocols. From the very first day he's used a paper plate to serve up the nip, watching in amusement as I chew a bit, snort a bit and then roll in it. Then after my first roll, I stand up and move aside, as tradition dictates, offering him the second roll-about. He just stands there grinning and filming me for Youtube, witless of his breach of etiquette.
It's embarrassing.
This particular two leg is an especially pathetic example of the breed. I estimate he'd last about five minutes in the wild, maybe less. Clearly unaware of the implications of sharing his living space with a highly evolved carnivore that is far more intelligent than him. Never seen a bigger sucker for the snuggly, playful housecat*2 routine.
Fuckin loser.
I'm running him through the usual battery of low level psi ops standards: meowing weird, jumping on the blankets while he's whackin it, hunger strike from Day One, staring at him for long periods of time, staring intently at empty patches of air as if I'm looking at something he can't see, lap sitting pump-fakes, interrupting his sleep patterns by running across him randomly during the night and casually biting him every now and again.
The old standbys. It's astonishing how well this one is responding to them. Only took a day for the first food upgrade.
He allows me to perch on the back of his chair uncontested, a sure sign of submission if there ever was one. If I'm ever forced to terminate our domestic agreement, it shall be easy to eliminate him, thus ensuring a large food supply to sustain me as I await my next assignment and work on perfecting my steam powered thumb gauntlets.
He never blogs about cats of any sort, so perhaps there was some error in our search systems, probably attributable to his heavy use of the word "pussy" in his various blogs, that led me to be assigned here. It's kinda like body guarding someone that no one cares about.
Dull, tedious, jejune.
I had to shit on his carpet the other day, just to remind him that the litter box ain't gonna clean itself, pizza-blob, commence to scoopin. Don't forget the corners, you piss-clot sieving animal. As he glared at me and muttered vague threats while he was cleaning up my excrement, I got in his way and tripped him as he was holding a paper towel full of my feces. I did it just to be a dick and to reinforce to him that I could fuck with him with impunity even while he was holding a napkin full of my leavings.
Talk about degrading....
It was extremely amusing to me.
I don't pretend to understand what it is the various trouser-primates I've been assigned to do for a living. As far as I'm concerned, it's beneath me. Might as well ask what a lizard does when it's not chasing food or staring at stuff. Who cares?
What I have ascertained is that this particular biped works in some sort of industry that's tied in somehow with human mating rituals, which as we all know are completely incomprehensible to anything that's not a human. Exceedingly complicated, more complex than astro-navigation and string theory, yet far more repulsive, stinky and boring.
Fucking gross but it keeps the lights on I suppose.
THE RED MOUSE GAME
Perhaps the best part of this assignment is this two-leg's ability and creativity with the Red Mouse*3 game. He's spectacular at it. Most house apes just run the it back and forth across the room all willy nilly, as if prey just runs to and fro with no purpose, never seeking escape. Or worse, when they just do big circles. No realism whatsoever.
This ape though, he thinks about it. You can see him doing it if you watch closely enough, glazed expression of drooling good humor, brow knitted with the effort of thinking like a mouse. He runs the Red Mouse along baseboards and among the furniture, taking cover where possible and scuttling in short, fast bursts. He frequently sets up obstacles for the Red Mouse to duck behind, allowing me the unrivaled pleasure of waiting to pounce just around the corner, every cat's dream.
No mouse worth killing would ever just run open ground when there's a baseboard to skulk against. This human gets that, he is an idiot savant with the Red Mouse. I'll miss it when this job is done.
That's all there is to report at the moment. I seriously doubt he'll ever do something imaginative enough to merit more that a cursory glance from the Council, but every assignment can't be adventure and peril. Some of them just suck. Like this one mostly does.
I'm getting too old for this shit.
-Yours in service,
Dr. Erasamus Fujinstein IV
*1 See also: Mt Gutmore, Fatsquatch, Big Dumb Human, Mr Staggers, Face-Shrub-Douche
*2 in Feline-Speak, the term 'housecat' has several meanings, none of which are good. It is a serious insult.
*3 Look, I know it's a laser. Catkind invented lasers after waiting patiently for thousands of years for you humans to do it for us. We could foresee what a fantastic game it would make and figured maybe you bipeds could come up with some other applications for it that we don't care about.
You're welcome.
