I know, probably as well as anyone, that strippers can be devious, shady gremlins bent on ripping off anything with money. I get it. They can certainly be malevolent cunts who use the Floor Staff like armored vassals, at their beck and call for war and money related shenanigans.
That's why I'm here for you, venerated reader*1. Offering helpful tips and sage advice that you can use to avoid being taken advantage of by a conniving tit-witch. Most of these truisms would seem to be self evident to the average fan of this blog, but always bear in mind that the standard strip club patron is at best a drooling helmet-wearer and that the combined presence of hot women and booze conspire to make them even droolier.
So, because I'm contractually obligated to do the occasional public service post, here's a nice itemized list of things you can do to deflect a potential fleecing by an unscrupulous entertainer.
1) Don't Be Drunk.
Sounds easy, right? Just don't be a wasted victim with 'mark' written all over him. Every school of strippers comes equipped with savage barracudas as well as succulent tuna. So try to be just sober enough to realize when there's a set of wallet-shredding teeth approaching, you witless fuck.
2) Tipping Isn't Mandatory Unless It's Posted On The Wall.
If a tip is mandatory on top of what a dance costs, legally a titty bar has to post it in multiple places throughout the whole club. They will endeavor to do this as subtly as possible, so look for tiny placards that say things such as "DANCES $20, plus tip" Or,
Private Dance=$15.
Plus Compulsory $10 Tip
3) When In Doubt, Ask A Floor Guy.
Believe it or not, a stripper may have lied to you. I know it seems unbelievable, but it happens and the only way to avoid being grifted in that case is to be knowledgeable about the club's rates. Most Floor Guys will tell you honestly what each and everything costs unless they are in cahoots with said dancers in which case you're fucked.
4) If You've Been Ripped Off At A Club Before, DON'T GO BACK.
I realize this may also sound like common sense, but it's amazing how often the same desperate lickspittles let themselves be taken by various operators at the same goddamn clam shacks that they've been ripped off at before.
The fact of the matter is, at any strip club in the world there are entertainers who will scam the living shit out of you if they think they can get away with it. The reason most of them think they can get away with it is because they've always gotten away with it in the past and this points to a very definitive business model on the part of the club in question. The ownership of said club is condoning the predatory nature of some of its work force as long as the club gets it's cut. It expects the Floor Staff to blindly accept the dancers version of any tale, no matter how fantastical or chronologically impossible.
When I worked at Wendy's Waffle Gulag, most of my Floor Guy energy was used to shake down customers for money they most certainly didn't owe a conniving bitch. But my job depended on toeing the company line which was "Fuck that customer, make him pay. There's plenty more where he came from."
Chances are, unless you live in remote Sasquatch country, that there is more than one strip club within a reasonable radius of your home. Find one where you don't get bimboozled.
5) Tip Your Floor Host/Bouncer.
If there's one thing all strip club security staff hates, no matter what they call themselves, it's a dancer ripping off a guy who is a generous tipper. I can't tell you how many times I've lost a big tipper to either scamming, pushiness, or just plain fucking outside of the club.
A true Floor Host doesn't have a lot of use for prostitutes. Those that do have formally moved on to Pimp status, even if they won't admit it to themselves or others. Might as well sell crack and smack in my opinion. I won't have any part of it.*2
When you walk in to a titty bar, if you're not greeted at the door by one of the Floor Staff, go find one. Ask them to seat you at a table and when they do, throw them at least a twenty. Ask them about stuff. How much are dances? Who are some of the top entertainers? What will if cost to get you and your people into a VIP room. Even if you haven't the slightest intention on blowing a bunch of money in a champagne room, it gives you the opportunity to get a Floor Beast on your side and it puts you on their radar, in a good way. If you remembered to tip.
If you didn't, don't ask them anything.
6) Always Remember, You're The Boss.
Unless of course you have no balls, then you're fucked again.
When you go to a strip club, YOU decide if you want to spend some money on a dancer, YOU decide how much and when and YOU decide when enough is enough. By allowing a stripper to decide ANY of these things for you, you're setting yourself up for a wallet-rape the likes of which you will never forget.
A dancer doesn't decide anything for you unless you tacitly allow her to do so. In which case you're unbelievably stupid. If you don't want any dances from her, it's best to let her know as soon as possible after she starts haunting your table. By allowing her to sit there you're running the risk of having some boozewitted bottle shark deciding that you owe her money for her time regardless of whether she did squat for you or not.
Wise up, fucko. From the moment you walk into a titty bar, you're in charge. If a bitch is super pushy, rather than letting yourself get strong armed into doing something you really don't want to do, tell her you have no money and if this doesn't make her go away, find a Floor Host and give him some money and watch your problem go away.
7) There Is No Such Thing As A FREE DANCE.
In almost 20 years in this industry, I've never heard of a stripper giving a free dance. I've never heard a dancer offer a freebie, nor give one. It simply doesn't happen. Free dances don't exist, you're much more likely to stumble across a leprechaun blowing a unicorn in a field somewhere than you are to be offered, much less receive, a free dance.
So to use this as an excuse as to why you shouldn't have to pay for a dance is the depths of both shittiness and idiocy. Even if a girl says she'll do the dance for free, at some point a bullshit circuit should get tripped somewhere in your primitive brain that tells you to file this under "Too Good To Be True."
8) The Bachelor Isn't Supposed To Pay For ANYTHING.
Can't tell you how many times I've seen some poor bastard bachelor shelling out for his own entertainments during his own party. Dude, that's your "friends" job. They're supposed to pay for your poor decisions, not you. So if you've got a group of 5 or more of your buddies with you and they still can't come up with the $50 you need to cover some dances, get new friends.
I had this guy the other night, wasted as fuck and clearly shouldn't have been allowed to roam around unsupervised. But his support system were a bunch broke, retarded clapstains who between the 12 of them, couldn't (or wouldn't) cough up the $125 their special moron managed to rack up with a gross dancer. We ended up having to call the police, at the customer's insistence and how do you think that went?
He talked himself into jail, which is pretty typical for drunk twats to do. Also fun to watch.
9) Have Some Notion Of How A Strip Club Works.
Most of them function pretty much the same and it doesn't take a Mensa membership to figure out the basics. You want something-you pay for it. The air is free but that's only because they haven't figured out an efficient system for charging you for it yet. Anything=money. Very fucking simple.
AND YET it's simply mind boggling how many scrote-scratchers use the excuse that they've never been to a strip club before and they don't know how it works. You know what? I've never been to a baseball game, but I know how it works. Everything costs a lot of money. Easy.
10) Don't Believe Everything You Hear.
Some gals are going to tell you whatever it is they think will get you to spend money on them. They will promise you anything, no matter how unlikely, how unsavory or how ill advised it is. Believe them at your peril unless you have ungodly amounts of money and a reckless attitude toward spending it.
Like Crackwhore, a dancer whose shady practices I highlighted late last year in this installment:
http://plightofthestripperherder.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-stripperherder-2016-year-end.html
On one night alone she told four different guys that she'd bang them after work if they coughed up a couple hundred bucks "retainer". Needless to say she didn't meet any of them after work, and while I applaud her lack of whoring, I'm generally the guy who has to clear out the lot of her would be johns while they loiter around waiting for her chubby ass.
It's not really a fun task. Most of the guys are timid, vaguely ashamed and are beginning to realize that they've been had. Some are more persistent than others, the kind that doesn't take a hint very well and can't quite come to terms with the fact that he's been scammed. And one day one of them is going to pull a gun on me, or follow the girl until he has a chance to do something horrific.
Only a matter of time in my opinion.
Which leads me neatly to
11) Never Pay For 'Extras' In Advance Without A Prior Reference From A Trusted Friend.
So you met a lovely dancer who says that for a reasonable fee, she'll suckle your member somewhere outside of the club and that she can't do it in the club because they watch the cameras. Sounds great, yes?
But if you pay her the cash right there in the club, like a moron, your wang's chances of being gulped just dropped dramatically. You see, contrary to what most men want to believe, a prostitute will happily not gargle your stinkhammer if she's already made an acceptable amount of money from the promise of sucking you later.
Crazy, but true. Despite what Porn would have you think, some women just don't like a frenzied throat fuck, much less having to deal with a high velocity blast of yam yogurt.
My advice would be to tip her modestly in the club (just to show you're for real) with the promise of more dough in exchange for sucky-sucky or maybe even just a hanjo to break the ice, and thus put the ball in her court. When you do, invariably one of three things will happen:
A) She'll decline to meet you because you called her bluff; she's no hooker, merely a scam artist.
B) She'll meet with you at a hotel where as soon as your pants are around your ankles and your attention is compromised, her pimp/boyfriend will enter the room and rob the fuck out of you.
C) The unlikeliest possibility. You actually get your waldo milked by a spirited amateur for a competitive price. You've done well, Grasshopper.
There ya go. Hope this helps someone, somewhere dodge an encounter with a medusa.
Keep Yer Chin Up,
-The StripperHerder
*1 Relax, oh semi-literate one, this means 'respected' not disease-ridden. Sheesh.
*2 Unless it's really profitable and all parties are amenable. Then it's OK.**
**We're all adults here.
