I almost never talk about my favorite dancers because they don't really provide me with the visceral trainwreckiness I require to feed my blog monster. They're pleasant, non annoying, seldom Hyde-level drunk and they never cause drama or steal other dancer's stuff. They simply don't give me the rage-fuel that powers most of the Plight.
Yet I feel like they finally deserve to be mentioned, these unsung heroes of my livelihood. I've always been reluctant to do this because I feel like it highlights some of the positive aspects of my occupation and thus undermines my carefully constructed image of a bitter, alcoholic and petty little man trapped in a career he has come to hate. That's my narrative voice, good readers, and I have to protect and nurture it like it's an abandoned forest critter.
That being said, I believe that there should always be room for every aspect of my job in this blog and that by providing new insights into facets of my industry that I enjoy, such as working with professional, sane entertainers, I'm presenting a much more honest and accurate view of my job.
A wee dab of objectivity you might say.
So without further preamble, here's four of my favorite dancers I've worked with over the years...
1) Vanna: This girl is like a composite of what the majority of malekind in 'Murrika finds sexually attractive. Vanna is diva material, world class hot and yet she still approached her job from exact opposite angle as every other mega hot super-cooch I'd ever worked with.
Most 'diva' strippers get to the point where they won't do single dances anymore, they ONLY do champagne rooms and they demand more than the standard pay for the room-they must have a generous tip as well. And a great indicator of whether an entertainer is an authentic fucking Diva or not is how good she is at pulling this off. A Legend-Class Diva*1 will calmly acknowledge that "Yes, an hour champagne room with any other girl in the club is $500, but if you want me it'll be $1000, plus tip."
Diva's usually get the $1000, strippers normally don't.
Vanna was the total antithesis of this whole mindset, she ONLY did private dances and I very rarely ever saw her do a room and she still made more money than everyone else in the building, every night. Last I heard, she owned four or five rental properties, a share of a successful bar and was funding anti-poaching black op teams.
And good for her because Vanna was fucking awesome to work with. She was so in demand for private dances that guys would tip us Floor Guys to waylay her when she left the dance room and bring her to their table.
If you would have looked at her with a certain narrow mindset, you would've been prepared to bet that she couldn't spell 'cotton' or describe what kind of tree it grew on. But you would've lost because underneath that nippley, blond and shaved facade a shrewd fiscal mind lurked, accumulating wealth.
What I really liked about Vanna is that although she didn't need the Floor Guys to help her make money in any fashion whatsoever, she always tipped solid. She was also rarely drunk, but able to hold it together even when she was. She never lost her money or accused another dancer of ripping her off.
She was a good natured, free form micro-economy, floating through the strip club ecosystem and generating commerce wherever her perfect ass went.
Miss that fucking girl...
Current whereabouts: Unknown. I assume she rules a small, previously undiscovered Scandinavian country by now.
2) Allusia: Giant tittied Texas bottle blond with a heart as big as her cup size. This girl was such a sweetheart, an absolute joy to work with. She knew her game and generally didn't need any Floor Guy help except for those rare occasions where some drunk twat tried to get away without paying her for her cock abrading dances.
This didn't happen often because she was an excellent judge of character AND because she had a rack you could land warplanes on with a smile that lit up the whole landing strip. Allusia wasn't classically beautiful, she had more chiseled features than is generally considered ideal. But when you're packing twenty pounds of sweater pork and an ass that knows it's business, it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference.
Fucking helluva tipper and all around class act. Even when drunk. Allusia was the shit.
Current whereabouts: Unknown. Presumed to be doing very well regardless of location.
3) Annabella the Great: Take Shakira's hips and an ass that could make even the gayest dude on earth question his sexuality for a moment. Then add in the perkiest B cups a repressed Japanese comic book artist could possibly draw at his horniest and slap them all together on a super cool, sweet tempered gal and you've got Annabella the Great*2.
Strippers cry a lot. I've talked about this before. If you work with a dancer for any longer than month, you'll see her cry, end of saga.
But Annabella is tear-resistant. She also tips well when she can and is fun to hang around instead of depressing or aggravating, like most strippers.
Current Whereabouts: I still work with her. She jumped ship from a different club that she'd been at for a long time and started at my club. That was a good day, her ass is mesmerizing...
4) Joy: Picture a gorgeous Korean girl born and raised in Russia and then imported to the US for the sole purpose of making America a better place to be. Joy was the coolest, most exotic dancer I ever worked with and I miss the hell out of her.
Talk about genetic lottery, Joy had it all. 5' 8" and curved in all the right places, face like a Eurasian supermodel with an accent like a Bond villain. She was really impressed that I knew what a dacha was and that owning one in Odessa would kick ass, or that Dubrovnik was called the 'Pearl of the Adriatic', but alas, not impressed enough to fuck me.
Shoulda learned Russian....
Joy is purebred Diva in the looks department, and laid back supra-genius sexy nerd girl in every other. I always suspected that she was a KGB or Spetsnaz operative in deep cover and the only reason she moved away was because she had accomplished her mission, which obviously was an assassination.
Fuck that's hot.
I love Joy.
Current whereabouts: No idea. Have you seen her? Call me.
So there. All you bastards out there who complain that I never write anything positive about my job, go fuck yourself. This installment is brimming with warm memories and stewing in a fucking cauldron of goodwill.
Enjoy the flavor because it makes me sick. Now I'm going to have to write some absurdly horrid shit just to bring my chi back into balance.
Goddamn it all to Hell,
-The StripperHerder
*1 Legend Class Diva: A woman so gorgeous that she can walk into virtually any service industry job in the world and be hired instantly. A LCD is also far more intelligent than almost anyone gives her credit for because of her cripplingly good looks and is therefore astute enough to realize that she shouldn't ever let anyone know how smart she really is.
*2 Sometimes you have to give strippers a further appellation beyond their stage name because you've worked with 63 different dancers who've all used that name. Other than Annabella the Great, I've also worked with Annabella the Land Slug, Annabella the Jewish Junkie, Annabella the Catholic Junkie, Annabella the Black Junkie, Annabella the Dust Mite and Annabella Dontwannasmellya
