The state has come down hard on us lately. Really hard. And by 'really hard' I mean by stripper standards which are, admittedly, less than those of someone who can do simple math problems, or recognize a cop by the ballsitic vest he wears under his shirt.
It's a very simple equation. You see, we don't live in an active warzone, therefore it is a reasonable assumption that anyone wearing a bulletproof vest under his fucking polo shirt is most likely a cop.
i.e., don't offer to blow him in a champagne room. Don't offer to manhandle his member like it's a stubborn puppy.
It only takes a tiny amount of situational awareness, self respect and common sense to NOT offer oral sex for a nominal fee to a complete stranger. Who may or may not be a law enforcement agent. It also only takes a smidgen of intelligence and a dollop of street smarts to recognize an officer of the law when he is wearing a bulletproof vest under his shirt while you're giving him a lap dance.
Let's review. Customer is adorned with any of the following accouterments: bulletproof vest, holstered handgun, police dog, badge or shirt/jacket emblazoned with the letters: VICE, POLICE, ATF, FBI, CIA, DHS or really any sort of law enforcement agency at all =do not offer a reasonably priced sex act or there may be legal repercussions.
It's not brain surgery. I'm pretty sure brain surgeons seldom offer some oral sex for money or drugs which is why they are very rarely arrested for prostitution.*1
Even a kitten half drowned in a river can grasp right from wrong if given the proper stimulus.
Which brings us to the crux of the matter...
In order to have an understanding of right from wrong, even a half drowned kitten must have some sort of guidance mixed with a bit of discipline. It cannot be expected to know how to behave unless someone is setting some behavioral parameters for it to learn from.
Which in this context means that management must have some teeth. If the immediate management of a club can't or won't administer some sort of authority over a stripper, then that stripper will run roughshod over anything in her path and only a well placed right cross to her booze hole will reestablish control.
That or fining the goddamn bitch. Strippers really hate being fined because they resent the already idiotic fees they generally pay to the House as it is.
In fact if you don't get her under control, she will consume the entire city and shit out welfare recipients faster than you can exterminate them.
All will be chaos, my friend.
All that being said, here's why being a Manager in a strip club rates just slightly higher on my ladder of shit I never want to be subjected to than being mouth-raped by spiky-dicked demons several times a day, every day, for the rest of eternity.
Strip club managers are stuck between a world of Owner Feces and Employee Bullshit and it's not a good place to be by anyone's estimation. The malevolent, grasping Owner rains hell on a manager who can't keep an unsustainable level of entertainers employed. And the entertainers themselves, without proper fear of the Management who are afraid of firing them because of the Owner's unrealistic mandates, proceed to destroy everything that is good about life with less regret than ravening, coke maddened werewolves.
"RAWR! I'm a werewolf who does a lot of coke!"
So when you have the misfortune to be a Manager, you get shit from the Owner for firing girls because he wants as many dancers working per shift as possible and he doesn't care how they make their money, as long as they're making money for the club and haven't lost him his liquor license yet.
These are the types of problems an owner pays a Manager to sort out which is why there (very nearly) isn't a salary high enough to make me take a management position.
As a Manager, you rarely get supported when you decide to pull your balls out and fucking fire a whore. Usually your balls get stomped on and since you're not a stripper, you learn not to dangle your tantalizingly vulnerable yams out there anymore.
Fuck that shit. Negative reinforcement is a powerful thing. Pulverized balls.
So things progress badly and eventually what you end up with looks like The Muppet Show on crack with extra titties, acrylic nails and crazier hair. It's fearsome and dare I say, repugnant.
It's no way to run a club. There have got to be fucking limits....
Here's what happens at my club when you decide you're not going to pay a dancer for the dances she did. Let's set up a hypothetical situation for those of my readers who don't actually know how a strip club operates.
A strip club customer comes into a strip club on a Thursday night. All we can assume about him at this point is that he's
A) Paid the cover charge
B) Had a free pass
C) Has a VIP card
D) Is a regular or well known to the Door Girl.
E) Is Police/Military/Fire Dept (who all get in free)
We'll call this customer Phil because I hate the name Phil and am glad my parents didn't name me it. Think how easy it is to make fun of the name "Phil". Hey it's 'Phil McCrackin' or 'Phil Mybuttup' or even 'Phildo Phaggins' for the slightly more literary bullies. It's a shit name.
So 'Phil' gets a private dance with a stripper named Nomad. Don't ask me why she's called Nomad, I just like the sound of it. Anyway he ends up being on the receiving end of three separate dances that cost $25 each which equals $75 for the mathematically challenged reading this. The stripper, naturally, didn't get the money for each dance before it started because no one in the industry actually does this. All dancers are supposed to get paid for each dance before doing them, to NOT do this is called "dance stacking" and is a practice verboten at every club I've worked at.
Which is idiotic of course because it's literally unenforceable, impractical and horrible for dancer income. On the other side of the coin however, there should be common sense limits to protect both dumb fuck strippers and the drunken prey they feed on. Such as asking for the money after five songs or so. Shouldn't be too much to ask for someone to pay for over a hundred bucks worth of services received before dishing out some more.
But no, I've had conniving and remorseless dancers stack 16, 17 even 20 dances on a guy or do ten dances and try to gouge his hammered ass for fifteen because he certainly wasn't counting while he was fondling her tits and ass. These soulless harlots rely on the Floor Guys to shake down the poor bastard for their money and let me tell you, the ones who habitually do this are always rotten tippers. I've been in fights over $50 for some wretched ho that didn't throw a penny my way for my troubles.
But that was a younger me, still struggling under some misconceptions and whose heart still held a flicker of empathy for the humans I was forced to interact with. Nowadays when some stripper runs up to me yelling about how some guy owes her money, I only give a shit if the girl is not A) a habitual thieving bitch, or B) a proven lying whore.
Most dancers will end up dealing with a non paying customer if they're in the business for any length of time, it's the frequency of these events which is most telling. It's a brutal world. The dancers have us, the bouncers, on their side and you, the customer have no one. It's not fair but it's how the world works so plan accordingly.
Anyway, you inform the dancer that you're not gonna pay her, the reasons are obviously yours alone, but the top ten most common excuses we Floor Dopes hear are:
1) "She never told me dances cost money!"
2) "I never agreed to another dance, therefore I don't owe her."
3) "I thought the whole time that she danced for me was all considered 'one dance' "
4) "They were shitty dances. All eight of them."
5) "I think $25 is too much to pay for a dance."
6) "My buddy was supposed to pay for them."
7) "I thought that when two strippers dance for me at the same time they they split the money!"
8) "I figured out at around the fifth song that she wasn't gonna blow me and now I'm mad."
9) "I completely deny ever getting ANY private dances. I was never back there."
10) "I didn't have any money in the first place, but really wanted to grope a girl despite this handicap."
In this situation, here's what I do in a handy, easy to write list.
A) Find out why he won't pay for the dances. This will tell me a lot of what I need to know about the whole dilemma.
B) Find out which dancer he owes. This will usually clear up the rest of the mystery.
C) Radio the Counter and find out how many dances he actually did because both of them are probably lying.
Once I've established the actual amount of money owed, I'll attempt to cajole the customer into paying it. And if it turns out they can't, I try to appeal to his friends to loan him just enough to keep from going to jail. You see, we have cameras in those couch rooms. We know how many dances you've done because we employee a guy who does nothing but monitor the couch rooms and record all dances done. And if necessary can watch some video and count. Not paying for dances we can prove you've received, whether you enjoyed them or not, is called Theft of Services. And is, indeed, a crime.
Frequently the sum she's asking for is substantially more than what's really due. Strippers, despite their wholesome reputations, lie a lot.
As such, ofttimes I'm able to tell the guy that he owes the dancer much less than what she's telling him and every now and then a customer appreciates my honesty and coughs up the dough before beating a hasty retreat, usually on a stream of tired expletives. Sometimes however they remain assholey and whiny and grow increasingly cunty the longer the conversation goes on. The most drunken will always revert to lower primate tactics: "I'll just climb high into my truth-tree and fling my mouth-excrement at you from the safety of my drunken delusion tree fort. Where I dictate reality."*2
This approach to a debt problem only works about 2-6% of the time but certainly never discourages anyone from trying it out.
Long story short if they continue to refuse to pay and we can't shake down any of his friends for the money then we generally call the cops. Sometimes the customers themselves call the cops.*3 No matter who calls the cops when they show up they'll take a peek at the security footage and then tell the fucking idiot to pay for his dances. At this point in time one of two things happen, either the guy coughs up the money or he talks his way into jail which is always fun to watch.
So that's what happens if you decide not to pay for dances in my strip club. Thirty years ago you would've been taken out back, beaten senseless and robbed, but those days are over.
More's the fucking pity.
Guten Nachos,
-The StripperHerder
*1 Today's Special: Remove two or more tumors, receive a rimmy-hum for free.
*2 Sometimes when we Floor Slobs yank these delusional tree-monkeys from their truth-fortresses, they fall down a lot of stairs on the way to the ground. Nature is brutal and full of stairs.
*3 I don't recommend doing this. Ever. Even if you have been ripped off, walk away and let it be a lesson.
