There's this girl I work with who's olfactory sense doesn't work. This is the only explanation I can come up as to why she comes into work reeking like reanimated hippie corpse slathered in yeast infection. There's just no other plausible reason for her stink.
She smells homeless. She smells like someone who hasn't bathed. Ever. The advent of deodorant obviously went unnoticed by her, she didn't get the memo. Her pits exude a pungent mammalian funk that is both tangily repulsive and cloyingly determined to hang around long after she's moved on.
Finally some motivated dancer pulled her aside and let her know as gently as possible that she had an odor reminiscent of a Wendy's dumpster inhabited by Grateful Dead fans and actually handed her some pit-stick.
I hope that this works. I have to deal with any number of unpleasant smells in my line of work; clogged and peaking toilets, lots of barf, occasional feces, toilet fetuses, stinky customers, etc etc. So having to put up with one less nasty stank would be a welcome thing.
I wrote a haiku about it:
Sweaty manky-skank
Holy Zeus you fucking reek
Old fish, spent condoms
I find it serviceable, if lacking in elegance.
Beards, Glasses and The Lemming-Like Appeal of Fashion.
I shaved my beard off recently because I got sick of other men complimenting my facial hair. It was fucking weird. People get all fucking queer and shit when it comes to trendy cuntery. I would never think to compliment another dude on his facial hair if I didn't even know the guy. I have friends who've grown beards you could breed marsupials in, and I said "Hey, that's a great ecosystem you have growing from your chin" or something like that. But that's because they were my friend, not some random male I encountered in a titty bar.
It's a shame too, because I had a sweet beard.
Geek chic has reached such a fervor that all these human sheep wear non prescription eyeglasses around all the time. Whatever floats you're boat, man. If you're such an insecure person that you have to mimic what all the other insecure people do to get through the day and fit in, then more power to you. I'm very glad I don't feel those pressures, but I suppose I can see why that giving in to them makes a person feel better. The herd provides warmth and security...
People who wear fake eyeglasses also enjoy shitty music. This is a fact.
Maybe I'm just an asshole*1, but I just don't understand doing something because some famous person did it first. I realize that the average American is a fucking idiot, but even idiots can sometimes make a choice of their own. If your identity is tied to trends and fashions, do you have any real substance or are you just an unimaginative part of the herd?
Like I said, I'm probably just an asshole. Maybe Nickelback and Rihanna are great artists and I'm just too closed minded to see it. I can only hope.
So, while I'm on the subject, let's touch upon inevitable road rage. It's relevant.
My day job requires me to be constantly on the road. I drive all day and have managed to not kill a single person, either involuntarily, or extremely on purpose.
Yet.
Ironically my night job sometimes has me driving a giant limo bus around douchebag infested streets, and I STILL haven't killed one.
Yet.
So one of the things about our society that pisses me off are some of the new car safety features emerging these days, or as I call them SAIC, Self Absorbed Idiot Countermeasures. Cars today can stop for you whether you're going forward or in reverse in case you're too busy to do it yourself. They can also auto-correct (see what I did there?) if you happen to meander out of your lane because you were watching a funny kitten video on your phone while hurtling along at 65 MPH and couldn't be bothered to pay attention.
It drives me apeshit that manufacturers' are just pandering to this demographic of irresponsible fuckwits. Driving a car is a fucking privilege, not a right. An automobile is a large, heavy slab of complex machinery capable of great speed which requires a fair measure of concentration and common sense to operate safely.
One of my favorite of these features is the auto parallel parking system. Because parking is fookin hard, man.
If you cannot successfully parallel park your own vehicle, you simply should not be driving at all. There I said it. Ladies, I hate to say it, but for whatever mysterious gender based reason, a lot of you are really bad at this. You know who you are and you've accepted the fact and you've moved on, I get it.*2
Stay the fuck out of my way.
If I were a TV executive I'd make a show called 'Girls Attempting To Parallel Park.' I used to work at a restaurant and one of the few joys of working there was watching women attempt street parking while I had a smoke break. It was mesmerizing.
One time I witnessed a perfectly executed 74 Point parking maneuver. It took 11 minutes. The spot itself was substantially smaller than a football field, I don't think I could've fit anything much bigger than a Navy Destroyer in there myself, but she was driving a Kia which is much smaller and better handling than a warship.
She was so proud of herself I couldn't bring myself to call her a dumb twat.
Ah, the hate keeps me warm at night, allowing me to keep the thermostat at 50 all through winter. I thought frakking was supposed to lower my gas bills.
What happened with all that?
Fuck it, I'm drunk enough for now. Thus the cheesy and abrupt ending, something of a trademark by now I would assume.
Tune in next week when I tackle some tough philosophical questions such as:
A) What if God is a stripper?
B) If I were trapped at work during the Zompacalypse, how many stripper carcasses would it take to sustain me until the zombie population thinned out enough for me to seek out other humans to devour?*3
C) If I were an All Powerful Being, how would things be different?
D) And so forth
Buy Armenian,
-The StripperHerder
*1 There's no 'maybe' about it.**
**I've come to terms with it.
*2 There are 17 Identified and Confirmed Excellent Female Automobile Pilots (ICEFLAPS) in the tri-state area and one or more of them may be reading this right now.
*3 Hipster burger with a piquant goat cheese and a solar-hydroponically grown slice of tomato is a particular favorite.
