Fuck you Corona beer. I blame your undrinkable swill for the surge in Cinco de Mayo awareness. Advertise the living fuck out of your piss flavored Mexican gutter wash and make your average American idiot feel the need to go out and be exceptionally stupid on yet another meaningless day.
What happened on the 5th of May that makes it so special to those south of the border? Ya got me. I don't give enough of a shit about third world holidays to even look it up. Maybe its the birthday of Pedro Gutierrez, history's greatest landscaper.
Or possibly its the anniversary of the death of history's greatest catholic candle maker.
I don't know and I couldn't give less of a shit. Its a day people are supposed to drink substandard beer* and run around being drunk and obnoxious just because a company told them to.
I don't care for it one bit. No sir, not one bit.
A friend of mine raised the point that, and I quote "Celebrating St.Patrick's Day makes even less sense." And while I agree with her on the basic premise, ie celebrating any particular day whatsoever makes very little sense to me, especially Christian holidays which I find to be mere Annual Bullshit.
I do disagree with her on the one point that St Patty's day is an Irish thing and I am, ancestrally, roughly 50% Irish. If I cared to I could probably trace my family back to frightened villagers who got raped by Vikings.
Therefore if I were into anything that could be described as cultural, I might give a shit about this. But the fact of the matter is I hate St. Patty's day even more just because its been around forever and few days, if any, will ever rival it in the annuls of bouncer hatred.
In related news, our special for tonight's bullshit 'holiday' is 25 cents off normal price.
Seriously, I'm not kidding you. We normally charge $5.50 for a Corona, but today, if you act now I can get you that Corona for a mere $5.25. (.25 surcharge for a slice of lime)*
Fuck you, customers.
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Our team is awful. I gotta say, taken as a whole it's really bad. There are some gems to be sure. We absolutely DO have hotties. But then we also have some creature features that range from merely off putting to fully troglodyte.
At this point in the narrative I realize I have to skew off on a tangent. I need to enlighten the average reader of this blog, IE someone who has never worked in a strip club before and probably not even in the Hospitality Industry, as to how a perfectly operated strip club works.
(This is ambitious because there are a metric fuck-ton of variables. What the perfect formula is in Las Vegas may not be a good formula for Lexington, Kentucky. What works in Denver may not fly in Passaic, NJ. Therefore I will base all opinions on what I think would be perfect for The Town in which I operate.)
A perfectly run club is one which operates like a finely balanced 426 Hemi motor that's fueled by douchebags and shits out clouds of money. It makes so much money that every layer of the strip club ecosystem is saturated with it. Everyone makes some dough. Everyone is in on a hustle somewhere.
The dancers have to work within this framework. They have to know their place. The numbers, based on a fictional club with 100 dancers (just for ease of math/and considering the locale) should look like this:
10/100 Need to be world class by anyone's estimation. Nova hot. Way beyond mortal man's reach.
30/100 Need to be 9's or 10's for you to have any credibility, however small, of being a quality club.
40/100 Can be varying stages of the Ravagement of the Stripper Lifestyle
20/100 Will be the absolute carp of the titty world. Bottom feeders who smell and taste nasty. No amount of garlic butter will mask their failure.
And this is where I lose interest and make a dangerous pilgrimage for whatever fast food might be open.
It could be a MechMuffin, it could be a OccupyBurger. Who the fuck cares? Only assholes care about what their friends think they eat. I'll eat from the sidewalk.
Tell a foreigner about me.
-The StripperHerder
*Any beer that needs something added to it to mask the taste is not worth drinking.
*I'm lying about the lime surcharge, but not the pricing.
