Hot damn! Is it that time of month already? Amateur nights rule!
I've grown to love our little monthly Dance Contests. It's like watching a weird mix of Jerry Springer, Intervention and MonsterQuest play out in front of your eyes and ocassionally, when you're very, very lucky you get to see a hot chick who's fun to watch.
The worst part about the whole 'Amatuer Night' thing is setting up the stage to look like the Rancor Pit from Star Wars. It's a helluva lot of work. But when the giant iron portcullis goes up and something shambles out of the shadows and onto the stage, all that work was worth it.
It's even better when one of them eats a customer.
So now I'm going to do something that is verboten in this industry, something I've never done before: I'm going to publish pictures. This isn't something I do lightly, given my enormous readership in over 60 countries, I could easily destroy some poor girl's life by outing her as a stripper.
But I'm going to take that chance and do it anyway because I am a hateful, pitiless Floor Dick.
So here are some pics I took on the sly of our Amateur competitors the other night, accompanied by my trademark heartfelt and incisive captions.
WARNING: Not for the faint of heart!
Remember, I am a Professional StripperHerder, do not try this at home.
That was 6 days ago and while we haven't seen her since, we sometimes hear her moving around
and find her droppings all over the place in the mornings.
The Abjectly Stupid and Their Impact In Society
So it's kind of a long story about how this argument came to be and because it will make some people uncomfortable, I will tell it now.
Keep in mind when you read this that people can get insanely bored when there's nothing to do at work. Dangerously bored.
Here's a summary of the conversation that led to a wager of idiotic proportions.
Me) "Mind if I throw this soup on you? It'll feel just like getting jizzed on which I'm sure you experienced hundreds if not thousands of times."
Her) "NO! It'll burn me!"
Me) "What? What are you talking about? It's lukewarm cream of mushroom soup. It's not hot enough to burn you, it's about jizz temp, right around 98 degrees. It's obvious that you've taken many gooey, disfiguring facials in your day and I just thought I'd bring you a bit of nostalgia."
"So can I throw it all over your face, you filthy slut?"
Her) "I've been cummed on more times than you can count and I'm telling you spuzz isn't nearly that hot, it's like 70 degrees or something."
Me) "Are you serious? If anything 70 degrees was coming out of your body", I pointed out to her, "you'd be dead. Are you sure you're not confusing Fahrenheit with Celsius? I think you might be...
"...But just to be sure, let's bet $5 on it."
It turns out I was right and she wasn't. I had to finally prove this to her with tap water and a meat thermometer. Not at all in the creatively disgusting way you're probably thinking of right now, but by showing her that 110 degree Fahrenheit water was nice and warm to your fingers and not at all molten, blistering agony like she was picturing.
After much backpedaling and groundless rhetoric, she finally coughed up my 5 fucking dollars. Under protest as it were, but she was afraid I might hit her because I took the bet so seriously.
I laughed and said "A bet is a bet. It's sacred."
"I would've had to snuff you if you failed to pay. It's not the amount you understand, it's the principle. I would've been gentle though. You wouldn't even have noticed.
That night I bought 2 McDoubles with no cheese, extra onion and extra mustard with my winnings.
I bested a stripper and enjoyed the rewards.
20 MINUTE HISTORICALLY ACCURATE
BATTLE SCENE
Enjoy,
Tre Herdy
